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CQEmiGIIT OEFOSm 



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cAmI 
Intruding P 

by 

'Frederick G.Johmon 



T S. 'Deniion & Company 

'Publiihero • Chicago 

"Price 50 Centi 




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T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

623 S. Wabash Ave. CHICAGO 






AM I INTRUDING? 



AM I INTRUDING? 



A Mystery Comedy 
in Three Acts 



"Of which, if thou be a severe, sour-complexioned man, then I 
here disallow thee to be a competent judge." — Izaak Walton. 



BY 

Frederick G. Johnson 

AUTHOR OF 

"Fifty Fifty," "Mary's Millions,'* etc. 



CHICAGO 
T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 



IMPORTANT WARNING 




HE ACTING RIGHTS of this play, 
under whatever title performed, are 
fully protected Ly author's and publish- 
er's rights and copyright, and all in- 
fringements will be prosecuted. 
For AMATEUR presentation, whether admis- 
sion is charged or not, a royalty fee often ($10.00) 
dollars for each performance must be paid in ad- 
vance to the publishers, T. S. Denison & Com- 
pany, 623 S. Wabash Avenue, Chicago, 111. 

For PROFESSIONAL terms, apply to the pub- 
lishers. 

-<:> <:> <:> 

Attention is called to the penalties provided 
by the Copyrig,ht Law of the United States of 
America in force July 1, 1909, for any infringe- 
ment of the owner's rights, as follows: 

Sec. 28. That any person who willfully and for profit 
shall infring,e any copyright secured by this Act, or who 
shall knowingly and willfully aid or abet such infringement, 
shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon convic- 
tion thereof shall be punished by imprisonment for not 
exceeding one year or by a fine of not less than one hundred 
dollars nor more than one thousand dollars, or both, in the 
discretion of the court. 

^ -^:> 'O 

COPYRIGHT, 1922, BY FREDERICK G. JOHNSON 
CALL RIGHTS RESERVED 



©CI.0 62581 OCT 25 22 



.^, 



>\^^M I INTRUDING? 



<^ 'cAa play for six men and six women 
CHARACTERS. 

{In the order in which they first appear or speak.) 

Mrs. Hastings The Housekeeper 

Blair Hoover The Adventurer 

Earnest Rathburn Jane's Secretary/ 

Marjory Vare The Elder Daughter 

Dickie Waldron A Romanticist 

MoNA The Maid 

Horace Vare The Father 

Violet Vare The Younger Daughter 

Peter Devoted to Vi 

Dora A Friend of Vi's 

Gerald jNIays Jerri/, from Sage Creek 

Jane V are's Niece 



Place — The entire action of the play occurs in the 
living room of tlie Vare home on Long 
Islafid, at some distance from New York 
CitTj. 



Time — The Present. 



Time of Playing — About Tzeo Hours. 



SYNOPSIS OF ACTS. 
Act I. A spring morning. Jerry intrudes. 
Act II. Late the next day. Jerry takes a hand. 
Act III. The following morning. Jerry un- 
tangles the thread. 

5 



AM I INTRUDING? 



COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS. 

Mrs. Hastings — About 38. She always has about 
her an air of mystery and restraint. Neither pretty 
nor homely, just a woman who has lost the bloom of 
youth, has become embittered by misfortune and who 
yields to temptation when urged by flattery. But 
she has the courage to speak up when defied by her 
confederate. Costume throughout, a black house 
dress, suited to her employment. 

Hoover — About 40. An adventurer who tries to 
pose as a gentleman, but when irritated shows his 
true nature. Selfish, heartless, thinking only of his 
own interests. Costume, conventional business 
clothes. May wear one suit throughout, or change 
after Act I. 

Earnest — About 24. A very sober, serious- 
minded person of the "highbrow" type. Speaks with 
Bostonian drawl. Wears shell-rimmed spectacles or 
Oxford eyeglasses with heavy black ribbon attached, 
and has a manner of looking over the tops of his 
glasses with a startled expression when anything 
happens. His hair is parted in the middle and 
brushed down flat. Costume, plain dark suit of con- 
servative design, black windsor tie, black shoes and 
socks. May change after Act I if desired. 

Margie — About 22. A sweet, natural, lovable 
girl, who can be serious or full of fun as the occasion 
demands. Costumes, Act I, any pretty, informal 
dress, changing to simple evening gown ; Act II, an- 
other informal dress, changing to more elaborate 
evening gown and wrap ; Act III, same evening gown 
and wrap as Act II. 

Dickie — About 26. Likes to pose as a man of the 
world, but he has been somewhat spoiled by society'. 



AM 1 INTRUDLNG? 



especially the feminine portion thereof. A really 
likeable young fellow. Has a tiny mustache. His 
clothing is a bit extreme in fashion, but is well within 
the bounds of good taste. Costumes, norfolk jacket 
and white trousers, or golf suit, or any outing togs, 
for Act I ; neat business suit, changing to full dress, 
for Act II; full dress for Act III. 

MoNA — About 20. A dashing little French maid, 
with a dashing little French accent and a dashing 
little French manner. Not bold, just pert. Costume, 
conventional maid costume of black, with white col- 
lar, cujffs and lace cap ; black satin slippers and silk 
hose; in Act III, changes to attractive street suit 
and hat. 

Tare — About 50. An affectionate father, but dis- 
tracted by business worries. A well-groomed business 
man, with gray-streaked hair or gray wig. May 
have gray mustache. Costume, neat business clothes. 
May wear one suit throughout, or change after 
Act I. 

Vi — About 17. INIargie's lively and slangy kid 
sister, whose attempt to appear sophisticated is on a 
par with Peter's quest for dignity. She considers 
herself fully grown, and wishes everyone to regard 
her in the same light. Costumes, a pretty, informal 
summer dress for Act I; another informal dress for 
Act II, changing to evening gown and cloak ; same 
evening gown and cloak for Act III. 

Peter — About 17. A schoolboy who takes the 
world, including himself, very, very seriously. His 
most unhappy moments are when his tremendous 
dignity is wounded. Someone seems to have told him 
that it is bad form to act naturally. His clothing 
follows the trend of the college freshman. Costumes, 



AM I INTRUDING? 



extreme sports clothes for Act I, with the same or 
other outing clothes for Act II, changing to full dress 
or tuxedo ; same evening clothes for Act III. 

Dora — About 16. Just as pretty, but not so vi- 
vacious as Vi, nor so convinced of her sophistication. 
The harmless baby-doll type, with a fetching lisp. 
Costumes, Act I, pretty, informal dress ; another in- 
formal dress for Act II, changing to evening gown 
and w rap ; same evening goAvn and wrap for Act III. 

Jerry — About 24. Appears as an awkward, raw- 
boned rustic lad, full of fun and doing his best to 
"fit in" with people of social experience. Frank, 
honest, good-hearted and fearless. Healthy sun- 
burned make-up, with red crop or country boy wig. 
Costume for Act I, an unpressed, countrified suit of 
checked or striped material, tight fitting and short 
in arms and legs ; loud socks, yellow shoes ; celluloid 
collar and glaring tie; out-of-fashion straw hat, or 
brown derby ; carries old fashioned valise or tele- 
scope; same for Act II, changing to a dress suit 
that is oversized enough to be funny ; same for Act 
III, changing to very neat business suit and discard- 
ing wig. 

Jane — About 23. A very serious young woman, 
as earnest as Earnest himself. She feels that she has 
a mission in life. Her appearance is rather sober, 
but she is by no means a "frump." Wears shell- 
rimmed spectacles, and has her hair plainly but be- 
comingly done. Costume throughout, shirtwaist and 
skirt, plain, but neither unattractive nor grotesque. 

(Note: See that Margie, Vi and Dora have 
dresses that offer sufficient contrast, yet harmonize 
well for the stage pictures.) 



AM I INTRUDING? 



PROPERTIES. 

Hoover — Fountain pen, checkbook, wallet con- 
taining notes, handkerchief. 

Earnest — Armful of books of different sizes, in- 
cluding several large ones, notebooks, papers, etc., 
two pieces of cord, handkerchief, watch. 

MoNA — Evening wraps for Margie, Vi and Dora 
in Act II. Traveling bag. 

Vare — Watch, fountain pen, checkbook, stocks. 

Peter — Engagement ring, cigarets, matches. 

Dora — An opened letter. 

Jerry — Valise, automatic, coil of rope, handker- 
chief, newspaper, notes, check, letter. 

Stage Props — Table, with large spread, books, 
etc. Two straight chairs. Large easy chair. Settee, 
with a few cushions. Japanese screen. Phonograph 
with dance record. Breakfast bell off stage. These 
are the essentials; additional furnishings ad lib. 



CONCERNING THE PLAY. 

(The following paragraphs may be useful in preparing 
an advance writeup of the play for your local newspapers. 
Your cast of characters, place and date of performance, etc., 
should be added.) 

"Am I Intruding.?" is a thoroughly modern comedy 
causing laughter galore, based on a mystery plot 
that holds the attention from start to finish and 
comes out quite differently from what anyone in the 
audience is expecting. There is really no bige star 
part, all the people in the cast having an unusual 
opportunity to shine as individuals. 

The action hinges around the efforts of Horace 
Vare, a wealthy business man, to keep from being 
frozen out of the Bluebird Motors Corporation, in 
which he is a heavy stockholder. Blair Hoover, an 



\0 AM I INTRUDING? 

adventurer, acquires some notes of Vare's when the 
latter is short of cash, and threatens to ruin him 
unless he will sell his Bluebird stock at a low figure. 

Vare has been forced into a tight corner financially 
when Jerry, eccentric son of his comrade of years 
ago, appears on the scene. Jerry is a regular rustic 
tornado, and sets out not only to save the stock for 
Vare, but to win Vare's daughter for himself. Jerry 
arrives fresh from Sage Creek, by heck, and is about 
as much at home in the palatial Vare household as a 
bull in a china shop. 

Besides his whirlwind courtship of Margie, Jerry 
furnishes much amusement for Margie's slangy young 
sister, Vi, and the latter's bosom friend, Dora, who is 
"tho dithcouraged over her love afFairth." And he 
upsets the stately demeanor of Vare's studious niece, 
Jane, and her serious-minded secretary, Earnest. 
Meanwhile he wins the admiration of Dickie Waldron, 
who is busy raising a moustache, and of Peter, Vi's 
schoolboy sweetheart. He flees from the winning 
wiles of Mona, the pert little French maid, and keeps 
his eagle eye on Mrs. Hastings, the mysterious 
woman in black. 

Throughout the three acts of "Am I Intruding.?" 
the rapid action brings about one situation after 
another in which are mingled thrills and laughs. The 
comedy is natural, not forced, the characters have the 
little mannerisms which we see about us in everyday 
life, and the interest is well sustained to the final 
curtain. Every character in the play is worthy of a 
star actor. 

"Am I Intruding?" brings a new and distinctive 
type of play into the amateur theatrical field. 



AM I INTRUDING? 



11 



Scene Plot. 







Screen ^hair □ Q D Chai 



Table 



100 /n 

Riqht/ ^Phonograph 



^^ig Easy Chair 



c^ 



Settee 



yFancy 




STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

Up stage means away from footlights ; down stage, 
near footlights. In the use of right and left, the 
actor is supposed to be facing the audience. 



AM I INTRUDING? 



The First Act. 

The action of the entire play takes place in the 
living room of the Vare home on Long Island, at 
some distance from Nexv York City. The people who 
divell here are obviously a family of refinement and 
considerable means. All the furniture and fittings 
are of the best quality, and well chosen. But there is 
nothing stilted or formal. It is a real home. 

There are two doors, one at the right leading in 
from the hallway entrance, and another at the left 
leading on into the rest of the house. If the scenery 
is equipped with practical windows, they are in the 
rear wall, and they afford a view of an informal gar- 
den landscape or of any other pleasant rural scene. 

The essential furnishings of the room include a 
living-room table up center, with a straight chair on 
either side. A cabinet phonograph stands against the 
right wall. A large easy chair is down right of cen- 
ter. A settee is down left, and a Japanese screen 
stands near the corner up I'ight. The setting may be 
completed with additional furniture, rugs, draperies 
and decorations at the discretion of the stage director 
and in accordance imth the facilities at hand. 

The rise of the curtain reveals Mrs. Hastings and 
Hoover on the stage. Mrs. Hastings stands near 
the right door, rather uneasily looking off right. 
Hoover sits impatiently on the right arm of the 
settee. - ^ 

13 



14 AM I INTRUDING? 



Mrs. Hastings. 
{^Looking off right.) 
They have gone. {Comes toxvard center.) 

Rising from behind the screen up right, the seri- 
ous, bespectacled face of Earnest comes into viexv. 
He is hiding, and listening intently. 

Hoover. 

{Mysteriously.) 

If what you tell me is true, I can see a future where 

you will never have to work again. You can lay 

aside forever the garb of a housekeeper. We will be 

married — 

(Earnest disappears behind the screen.) 

Mrs. Hastings. 
{Hastily interrupting Hoover.) 

Sh! Not so loud. {Crosses, looks off right, and 
returns to Hoover.) They mustn't suspect that you 
are not my brother. I tell you, my cousin James is 
the inventor, and the Bluebird Motor Corporation is 
going to install it. It will revolutionize the auto- 
mobile business and make a fortune for all the stock- 
holders. Every penny's worth of stock is being 
bought up by those in the know. Vare has invested 
nearly all his money in the stock. I heard him tell 
a friend over the phone, the day he first heard that 
the company was going under. He doesn't know a 
thing about this new improvement. I'm sure you 
could buy his stock cheap. He's pressed for money 
to meet some notes due very soon. But you must be 
careful. Don't rouse his suspicions. 
Hoover. 
{Easily.) 

Trust me. If I can get my hands on this stock, 



AM I INTRUDING? 15 

our fortune is made. You are a trump, little woman, 
to put me next to this. And we will get that stock. 

Mrs. Hastings. 
We must, by hook or by crook. 

Hoover. 

Yes, if I have to buy up his notes and hold them 
over his head. ^^^ Hastings. 

But you'll have to work fast. The news of the 
new invention may leak out, and then there'd be no 
hope of buying him out. 

(Earnest is again seen listening.) 

Hoover. 
(Rising.) 
No danger of his hearing anything. The wise 
ones will keep it dark until all stock is bought up. 

(Margie laughs off left.) 

Mrs. Hastings. 
( Going right. ) 
Sh! Let us go. That is Vare's daughter coming 
this way. Try to see Vare at once; the sooner the 
better. Hoover. 

(Going with her.) 
I've already spoken to him. 

(Mrs. Hastings and Hoover both exeunt right. 
Earnest exits quickly after them.) 

Margie runs on gayly from the left, followed by 
Dickie. She sits on the settee. 

Dickie. 
(Standing bach of settee.) 
You do like me, don't you, Marjory.? 



16 AM I INTRUDING? 



Margie. 
Well, I do and I don't. In some ways I like you. 
And in some ways I do not. 

Dickie. 
In what way do you like me.'^ That's the interest- 

Well — you have nice eyes. 

Dickie. 
( Kidding. ) 
Oh, goodness! Honestly, now {leaning over 
settee), don't you like my entire face.^^ 

Margie. 
Will you change it if I don't .^^ 

Dickie. 
I'd try mighty hard. 

Margie. 
{Giggling.) 
I love that dear little mustache. 

Dickie. 
{In mock seriousness.) 
Oh, don't kid the mustache. That's serious. I 
have been very devoted to that since it first began to 
show signs of beauty. I have carefully trained and 
cared for it. No one knows the hours, the days, and 
weeks of watchful waiting. Why, a father never 
Icved his first child as I love this bit of spinach. No, 
Margie, don't kid the mustache. 

Margie. 
{Laughing.) 
you're 



AM I INTRUDING? 17 

Dickie. 

It's your fault. ^. 

•^ Margie. 

Mine ? -^ 

Dickie. 

You make me that way. 

Margie. 
(Shrugging.) 
Oh, don't blame me. 

Dickie. 
Really, I'm serious. (Sits beside her.) 

Margie. 

(Scoffinghj.) 

Impossible. ^^ 

^ Dickie. 

I'll convince you. (Starts to put his arm around 

her.) ^^ 

Margie. 

(Jumping up.) 

No, you won't. (Runs back to settee.) 

Dickie. 
(Slapping his hand.) 
Naughty hand ! I told you to behave. 

Margie. 
(Leaning over back of settee.) 
Dickie, I— 

MoNA enters from the left. 

MONA. 

Pardon, Meess Marjory. I did not understan'. 
Shall eet be ze blue or ze white gown for zis evening? 

Margie. 
Oh, the white one, Mona. (Or whatever gown 
she will wear.) 



18 AM I INTRUDING? 

MONA. 

Merci, mademoiselle. (Exits left.) 

Dickie. 
(After watching Mona go.) 
What were you saying? 

Margie. 
I don't know. What zoas I saying.? 

Dickie. 
You said, "Dickie, I—" just like that, and I felt 
that I was on the verge of some great confidence. 

Margie. 
(Laughing.) 
Oh, yes, I remember. I was just going to say, 
Dickie, I — (again leans over settee) I do like you, 
in spite of the spinach. 

Dickie. 
Ah! (Takes her hands and brings them over his 
shoulders.) Now I shall enjoy the week-end here. 
(Turns and looks at her.) How much do you like 

Margie. 
(Playfully.) 
How much do you like me? 

Dickie. 

(Romantically.) 

I like you so well that without your presence life 

is one awful void. The sun shines in vain, and the 

moon — ^ , 

Margie. 

(Laughing.) 

That's just what you said to Sylvia Deering. 

You'll have to change your line. Learn something 

new. You're getting stale. (He tries to interrupt^ 



AM I INTRUDING? 19 

but she goes on. ) There's no novelty any more when 
we girls compare notes. (Looks at him quizzically 
for a moment.) You're an awful flirt, Dickie — but 
you a r e good fun. 

Dickie. 

{Distressed.) 

But Marjory, you are the only girl — I swear! 

Margie. 
{Puts her hand over his mouth and quotes, laugh- 
ingly.) 
"Full merrily the bumblebee doth sing, till he 
hath lost his honey and his sting." Mr. Shakes- 
peare. 

Vare enters right. He is plainly nervous and an- 
noyed. 

Vare. 

Mariorv. 

•^ *^ Margie. 

{Quickly starting hack,) 

Yes, dad. 

Vare. 

{Rather distantly,) 

How are you, Mr. Waldron. 

Dickie. 
{Who has risen,) 
Fine, thank you, Mr. Vare. 

Vare. 
Marjory, I would like a few words with you. 

Dickie. 
Oh, — er — excuse me. {Exits right,) 

Vare. 
W^hy did you invite that fellow here for the week- 
end.'' 



20 AM I INTRUDING? 



Margie. 
Why, dad! Because I wanted him. 

Vare. 

I don't like him. 

Margie. 

Why? 

•^ Vare. 

He is wild and no-account. 

Margie. 
Oh, dad, no more so than most boys nowadays. 
You know things have changed since you w^ere a 
boy. 

Vare. 
Indeed they have. Well, I'd rather you didn't 
encourage him. You can do much better. 

Margie. 

But dad — 

Vare. 

{Sharply.) 

Let him alone. 

Margie. 

You're as cranky as a bear lately, dad. What in 

the world is the matter with you? Business going 

"'"°"^- Vake. 

( Uncomfortably.) 
Don't ask questions ; nothing to worry over. You 
wouldn't understand, anyway. 

Margie. 
{Wistfully.) 
Perhaps I might. (Puts her arm through his.) 

Vare. 
(With an effort.) 
Run along, enjoy yourself. It's nothing — noth- 



AM I INTRUDING? 21 

ing at all. (She starts to go right.) Oh, I forgot 
to tell 3^ou. The son of an old friend of mine will 
be in on the two-thirty. (Looks at watch.) The 
train's in now. I've sent the car to meet him. 

Margie. 
Well, for pity's sake, dad, how absent-minded you 
are! (Eagerly.) How old is he. ^ What is he Hke.? 
Tell me something about him. 

Vare. 
Oh, he's about twenty-four years old, and some- 
thing of a simp, I imagine. 

Margie. 

I haven't seen his father for fifteen years. At 
that time the boy Gerald was a little shaver with 
long curls and a Little Lord Fauntleroy suit. That's 
all I know. My old friend wrote me that he had 
business in the city and that Gerald would come here 
for a few days. So you must be nice to him, for I 
am indebted to his father for many favors in the old 
days when we were chums. 

Margie. 
(Sni fling.) 

Lovely prospect, I must sjay ; a doodle-wit on my 

hands. 

Vare. 

Well, I expect he'll be an improvement over the 
Dickie boy you're so infatuated with. 

Margie. 
. Oh, I'm not so infatuated with anybody — except- 
ing my old dad. (Puts her arms around his neck.) 



22 AM I INTRUDING? 



Vare. 
(Smile Sy well pleased,) 
Buncombe, you rascal! 

Margie. 

It isn't. But I will be nice to him. You say his 

name is Gerald.? 

Vare 

Yes, Gerald Mays. 

Margie. 
{Simpering.) 
Gerald. Oh {does affected rmlk), mercy! 
{Laughs.) I suppose he'll be the last word in cor- 
rect manners. Oh, I do despise a fashion-plate man. 

Vare. 

Remember what I tell you. You must do all you 

can to make his stay pleasant. It's for his father's 

sake. -_ 

Margie. 

I'll do my best, dad. I wonder if he still wears 

his hair in curls. {Laughs.) 

Behave yourself. 

Margie. 

Well, bye-bye, daddy-duck — and for pity's sake, 
cheer up. {Exits gayly, left. Changes to evening 
gown for next entrance.) 

(Vare crosses left, looks after Margie and shakes 
his head despondently.) 

Hoover enters right. 

Hoover. 
Good afternoon, Mr. Vare. 
Vare. 
Oh, how are you, Mr. Hoove. 



AM I INTRUDING? 23 



Hoover. 

Mr. Vare, I have been thinking that over, and if 

you let me have that stock cheap enough, I'll take a 

chance. 

Vare. 

If I thought there were a chance, I'd try to hold 

them myself. But — I must have money to meet notes 

due in a few days. So I may as well unload if you 

want to take the gamble. 

Hoover. 
Well, yes. Something may come of it, and J can 
wait. I'll take a chance. 

I^^ARNEST enters right and listens, standing in the 
doorway. 

Hoover. 

{Continues.) 

I'll give you a check now. {Takes out check book.) 

Is the price we fixed this morning O. K. ? Have you 

the stock with you.^ {Takes out fountain pen and 

xcrites check.) 

Vare. 

Yes, I got it from the vault this morning. {Takes 
papers from pocket.) I hate to let it go — ^but cir- 
cumstances force me to, so — 

Earnest. 

{Coming hetmeen the men quickly, speaks excitedly.) 

Really, Mr. Vare, pawdon me. You must come 

with me quickly. Theyah is not a moment to lose. 

{Takes Vare's arm excitedly and pulls him up right.) 

Vare. 
What's the matter.? 

Earnest. 
Youah daughtah ! Come, come at once. {Pulling 



24 AM I INTRUDING? 

him right.) On my word, hasten, hasten 1 (^Hurries 
Vare off and they exeunt, right.) 
Hooves. 
{Disgusted.) 
Confound it! I almost had them. I could choke 
that imbecile. What's the trouble, I wonder. (Looks 
off right.) 

MoNA enters left, and sees Hoover. 

MONA. 

Oh, you keed! ^^"^^^'^ 

Hoover. 
(Turning quicJdy.) 
Hello, Mona. ^_ 

MONA. 

How you like eet, eh? 

Hoover. 
Pretty exciting. 

MONA. 

You make eet, non? 

Hoover. 
You bet. Come here. 

MONA. 

Mais non! Nossing doing. Sh! (Looks off 
right') Here come ze tabby cat. Me, on my way. 
(She exits right, passing — ) 

Mrs. Hastings, who enters right, 
Mrs. Hastings. 
(Quickly, to Hoover.) 
Well, did you get it.? 

Hoover. 
No. That addle-pated secretary of the four-eyed 
story writer came in and dragged him away. And 1 



AM I INTRUDING? 25 

almost had my lumds on the stock, too. Blast the 

luck! (^Crosses down center.) 

Mrs. Hastings. 

He was going to let you have it.'' 

Hoover. 
Yes. 

\'are enters right, stops at the door and listens, 

Mrs. Hastings. 

Well, it's all right. He'll be back. 
Hoover. 

I'd feel better if I had that stock in my pocket. 

Why, it's the easiest trick I ever turned. He's pressed 

for money, and he was all ready to hand it over like 

a baby — 

-^ Vare. 

{Coming forward.) 
Well, Mr. Hoover.? 

Hoover. 
{Startled.) 
Oh, hello. What was the trouble.? 

Vare. 
My daughter, Violet, got a caterpillar down her 
back and fainted. But why the secretary should 
have come for me is amusing. The tragedy hap- 
pened half an hour ago and he just wanted to tell 
me about it. 

(Mrs. Hastings exits left.) 

Hoover. 

{Laughs.) 

He's an idiot. ,, 

Vare. 

{Musingly.) 

Queer fellow. My niece, Jane, only engaged him 

to-day. He came down from the city on tlie noon 



26 AM I INTRUDING? 

train in answer to her advertisement in the paper. 

Earnest enters, right, zmth armful of hooks, 
crosses and exits left, without interrupting the dia- 
logue. 

Hoover. 

Well, Mr. Vare, here's the check. 

Vare. 

(Quietly.) 

Mr. Hoover, I've changed my mind. We'll let 

that transaction wait. 

Hoover. 

(Anno2/ed.) 

I can't wait. I leave to-morrow. 

Vare. 

You seem in a hurry. 

Hoover. 

Not at all. But I don't like to be made a fool of. 

I've made out a check for the amount you ask, and 

here it is. ,, 

Vare. 

(Quietly.) 

Tear it up. I've changed my mind. 

(Pause, while the men look at each other,) 

Hoover. 
(Angrily.) 
Very well! (Exits quickly, right.) 

(Vare crosses up right, and looks after Hoover. 

Violet laughs off right. Vare exits slowly, left.) 

Vi runs on from the right, followed by Dickie. 

Dickie. 

(As he enters.) 

Listen, Vi. Wait a minute. Delay. 



AM I INTRUDING? 27 

Vi. 

{Laughingly.) 
Um — delays are dangerous, old dear. 

Dickie. 

Come here {catches her hand), you wise little 

flaplet. ,, 

^ Vi. 

Oh, say, Dickie old dear, don't get troublesome. 

And if you're through with my lily white hand I'll 

take it back. I may have to earn my living with it 

after I'm married. 

Dickie. 

{Poetically.) 

Heaven forbid that this fair hand should be used 

for heavier work than scattering roses on life's path- 

^^^' . . V'- 

Buttercups and daisies! Your tongue just drips 
those sweet nothings, doesn't \i? 

Dickie. 
Are you spoofing me? 

Vi. 

Far be it from such, Dickie. I'll take you serious- 
ly if it's the last thing I do. 

Dickie. 
That's right. I yearn to be understood. 

Vi. 

Are you taking anything for it.^ 

Dickie. 
{Laughs.) 
I'd like to take you. 

Vi. 

You'd be taken in if you did. 



28 AM I INTRUDING? 

Dickie. 
I believe it. But listen, child of mj heart — 

Vi. 

Cease, Dickie, cease ! Those sweet nothings tickle 
my ear drums, but they don't register. 

Dickie, 
(Crossing to settee.) 
Park here a few moments, Vi, while I tell you 
how mucli I like you. 

Vi. 
I know, Dickie. I know how much. 

Dickie. 

You do? ,- 

Vi. 

You like me so well (quoting) , "that without my 

presence life would be one awful void, the sun would 

shine in vain, and the moon — " 

Dickie. 

I'm going to kiss you for that. Come on, pay up 

(leans over her). 

\ I. 

(Putting her hand over his mouth.) 

Nothing doing, Dickie darling. The bank is 

closed. ^ 

Dickie. 

Oh, say ! ^^ 

Listen, Dickie duck, do you want to earn my un- 
dying gratitude? 

J-JlCKIE. 

You bet. If that's all I can earn. 
Vi. 

All right, old dear. Get the right wave-length 
and harken. I want you to take dear little Coralie 
for a run before dinner. The poor child has been in 



AM I INTRUDING? 29 

all day and she just feels miserable. She can't sleep 
a wink at night without her run. She so loves to be 
out in the air. I must dress for dinner, but I mustn't 
neglect my child. 

JLIICKIE. 

What on earth are you talking about.? 

Vi. 

My precious Coralie. 

Dickie. 

How old is Coralie.'^ 

Vi. 

Two years old, the precious. 

Dickie. 

Whose is she? 

Mine, you pumpkin. 

Dickie. 

Who is Corahe.? 

Vi. 

My cute little lambkin, my fuzzy-wuzzy pup. 

Dickie. 

{Turning away.) 

Good evening! 

Will you.? ^^' 

Dickie. 
(Turning back.) 
No, I'll be darned if I will. You've given me the 
shock of my sweet young life. I absolutely refuse to 
go walking with Coralie, if she never sleeps. 

Vi. 

(Laughing.) 
I knew you didn't love me. Where's Peter.? 

Dickie. 
Sulking, as usual — because I ran off with you. 



30 AM I INTRUDING? .^____ 

Vi. 

Darling old Peter. But I can't let him be too 
sure of me. That would be fatal. 

Dickie. 
Do you love Peter? 

Of course I do. But he doesn't know it. 

Dickie. 
(Mournfully/.) 
How jou love to see us poor men suffer. 

Suffer.? Piffle. ^^' 

Dickie. 
(Looking off left.) 
Here he comes now. I've wasted all my ammunition. 
I'll retreat. (Exits right, with funny tragic walk.) 

Peter enters left. He is wrapped in gloom. 

Vi. 

Hello, Petie dear. Are you angry with your 

little V. Y.? 

Peter. 

(Sullenly.) 

Oh, cut it out ! That stuff makes me sick. 

Vi. 

(Sweetly.) 
Come here, lambkin, and don't spoil a perfectly 
good party like that. 

Peter. 
Darn the party! ^ 

Why, Petie! (Rises and crosses to him.) 



^ AM I INTRUDING? 31 

Peter. 

(^Fiercely thrusting hands in pockets.) 

I mean it! I wish it was time to go to school. 

Girls make me tired. 

Vi. 

( Coaxingly. ) 

Oh, Petie. 

Peter. 

{Solemnly.) 

Well, they do. All they think about is flirting. 

When I marry, I'm going to marry a girl that's old 

enough to have good sense. 

Vi. 

How old is that, Petie .'^ 

Peter. 

{Faltering.) 

Well— real old. 

Vi. 

The older they get the sillier they get, so I'm told. 
Better be careful, old dear. {Brightly.) Perhaps 
you'll wait until I'm the right age.? 
Peter. 
{With superiority.) 
Some folks never have good sense. 
Vi. 
{Innocently.) 
Petie, do you mean me.? 

Peter. 
I'm not mentioning any names. {Takes out cig- 
ar et and lights it.) 

{Sharply.) 
Peter Stone, you promised me you would stop 
smoking cigarets. 



32 AM I INTR UDING? 

Peter. 
( Recklessly, ) 
I don't care what I do. 

rJut you promised. 

Peter. 
That was when we were engaged. 

Vi. 

Do you mean our engagement is broken? 

Peter. 
Yes, I do. (^«-%.) 

Vi. 
( Quickly. ) 
Peter Stone, I'll sue you for breach of promise. 

See if I don't. ^ 

Peter. 

( With a great slioiv of indifference.) 

Sue away. See if I care. 

Vi. 

( B eginn ing to cry.) 
Peter Stone, you just treat me sh — sh — shame- 

fully! p 

1 ETER. 

{Explosively.) 
Well, what do you expect .^ A man can't stand 
everything ! 

{Weeping.) 
Oh, Peter, don't be so cruel. I just — can't — 
stand it! {Crosses into Jus arms and lays her head 
on his breast.) Peter — 

Peter. 
{Weakening.) 
Well.? 



__^ AM I INTRUDING? 33 

Vi. 

Put — put your arm around me. 

Peter. 
Oh, what's the use? 

Vi. 

(Sobbing.) 
Is our engagement really b-broken? 

Peter. 
{Gloomily.) 
Well, you don't care. 

Vi. 

Yes, I d-do, Petie. 

Peter. 
{Putting his arm around her.) 
Honest.'^ 

Vi. 

Honest. 

Peter. 

Well, then — don't cry. I'll forgive you this once, 

but {darkly) if I ever catch you flirting again, it's 

all off. Remember! ^^ 

V I. 

{With tears of joy.) 

Y — yes. 

Dickie enters quickly, right, 

Dickie. 
{Stopping suddenly. ) 
Oh, excuse me. I won't look. 

Peter. 

{Peeved.) 

Smart, aren't you! {Leads Vi to right door.) 



34 AM I INTRUDING? 



Dickie. 

(Amused.) 

Not so very. _. 

•^ Vi. 

{Loftily.) 

Don't quarrel on my account, Petie dear. Mr. 

Waldron is nothing to me. 

(Vi makes a f tinny motion with her hand to 
Dickie behind Peter's hack, and exits with Peter, 
right. Dickie laughs heartily.) 

Dora enters quickly, left. She has an open letter in 
her hand. 

Dora. 
Oh, Mithter Waldron ! 

Dickie. 
Greetings. 

{Eagerly.) 
Mithter Waldron, do you believe in fate.'^ 

Dickie. 
( Enthusiastically. ) 
Well, I should say so. A sudden meeting — and 
you know — you feel — it is she — the one — the onliest 
one! Have you met your fate.'' 

Dora. 
Not yet. I don't think tho. I jutht retheivcd a 
letter from Marion Thtone. You know Marion 
Thtone, don't you.? 

Dickie. 
{Imitating Dora's lisp,) 
Marion Thtone.? 

Dora. 
No, I thaid Thtone. 



AM I INTRUDING? 35 



Dickie. 
That's what I said— Thtone. 





Dora. 


Eth-t-o-n-e. 


(Spelling.) 
Dickie. 


Oh, Stone? 




Yeth. 


Dora. 




Dickie. 


Jim Thtone' 


(Kidding her.) 
'th thithter? 



Dora. 
Yeth. I jutht retheived thith letter from her. 
Sheth to be married on the fifteenth and they have 
their home all ready to go into when they return 
from their honeymoon. A thweet little bungalow on 
the bank of a thtream. 

Dickie. 
Oh, thweet daddy! 

Dora. 

Ithn't that romantic.'' And they thay he'th wild 
about her. 

Iththattho! ^"'^'^- 

Vi enters, right. 

Dora. 
I wonder if I'll ever have a real cathe. I'm be- 
ginning to be dithcouraged. 

Vi. 

Buck up, old pard. Keep j^our head above water. 
There must be a life-saver on the beach some where. 



36 AM I INTRUDING? 

Dora. 

(Aggrieved.) 

Oh, it'th all right for you to joke, with Peter 

jutht haunting your foot-thepth thinth you were 

knee high to a toad-thtool. I wonder if I shall ever 

meet my ideal! (Sighs.) 

Dickie. 
(Playfully.) 
Take your time and look me over, Dora. 

Vi. 

( Cynically. ) 
They ain't no such animal. 

Dora. 
(Plaintively.) 
How can you, \'\? Why, the world ith full of 
wonderful men ! 

Doe, Doe ! You've been to the movies again ! 

Dora. 

I have not. ,, 

Vi. 

(Looking off right, speaks suddenly.) 

Oh, boy! Look who's here. (Grabs Dora's 

hand. ) Dora — come on ! 

(Runs out quickly, right, dragging Dora after her.) 

Dickie. 
(Looking off right.) 
Hello — who's this.? 

Peter enters right. 

Peter. 
(With bored annoyance.) 
Girls are so excitable. 



AM I INTRUDING? 37 

Dickie. 
Who's the new arrival, Peter? 

Peter. 
{Indifferently.) 
Search me. {They both look.) 

(Vi and Dora laugh heartily, off right.) 

Margie enters, left, in evening gonm. 

Margie. 
What are you looking at, boys.? 

Dickie, 
{Still looking.) 
I'll give it up. But I think it's human. 

Margie. 
{Looking off right.) 
Good gracious ! This must be — it can't be — I 
wonder if it is — Gerald.? 

Gerald.? ^^^^^• 

Who's Gerald.? I^^ckie. 

(Vi and Dora laugh off right. Lively entrance 
music, as — ) 

Vi, holding one of his hands, and Dora holding the 
other, rush in right door with Jerry and drag him 
to the center of the stage. He drops his valise and 
removes his hat, freeing himself with difficulty from 
the girls' clutches. „ 

{To all.) 

Allow me to introduce Mr. Gerald Mays, from 
Sage Creek. 



38 AM I INTRUDING? 

Jerry. 

(Half laughing but embarrassed, stands awkwardly 
twisting his hat in his hand.) 

Howdy, folks. Am I intruding.^ 

(Music stops.) 

Vi. 

Well, I'll tell the world you're not. You're just 
what we need around here, Jerry. 

Vare enters, left. 

Margie. 
(Trying not to laugh.) 
Daddy, this is Gerald. 

Vare. 
(Looks in amazement.) 
Are you Gerald Mays ? 

Jerry. 
You betcha. How be ye? 

Vare. 
(Half -aside.) 
So this is what old Sandy Mays's son grew up to 
be. (Crosses to Jerry and holds out his hand.) You 
are welcome, my boy. 

Jerry. 
(Grasping Vare's hand; Vare winces.) 
'Lowed I would be. Pa's comin' up later. He's 
down to the city — but ye wouldn't ketch me there. 
I'm pretty spry. I kin play leap-frog to beat old 
Ned. Used to be the champeen of our village, by 
heck! But ye got to be greased lightnin' to dodge 
them tin lizzies in the city. More'n a million a min- 
ute, thet's what Jed Green told me. He's ben to 



AM I INTRUDING? 39 

New York. Only he's such a dern liar ye can't alway 
go on what he says. But I reckon it's pretty dern 
lively there. y 

Y're dern right, old dear. 

Vare. 

Violet ! ,, 

Vi. 

(Saluting.) 

Present, dad. ,, 

Vare. 

Girls, you will take care of Gerald. 

Jerry. 
Oh, thet's all right. I kin take care o' myself. 
Ain't nothin' to be 'feared of here, by heck. 

Vi. 

(Takes him hy one arm.) 
Come on, Jerry, I'll show you around. 

Dora. 
(Grabs his other arm,) 
Oh, no, let m e. 

Vi. 
(Pulls him one way.) 
No, sir. I will. Come on, Jerry. 

Dora. 
No, no, Jerry, come with me. (Jerks him another 

"""^■^ Jekkv. 

Hold on ! Gol dern it, I ain't acquainted with 
either one nor t'other of ye. 

Vi. 

I'm Violet Vare. They call me Vi, for short. 

Dora. 
And I'm Dora Dean, Vi'th dearetht friend. You 



40 AM I INTRUDING? 

may call me Doe, for short. Come on. (Pulls him one 
way.) ^^ 

Come with me. {Jerks him another way.) 

Vare. 
Stop it, girls ! 

Margie. 
{Crossing to Jerry.) 
Jerry, I am Marjory Vare. Will you let me show 
you around. P 

Jerry. 
{With an admiring gaze.) 
Gosh! Will 1? {Takes deep breath.) Excuse 
me, sisters {to Vi and Dora), but you're too colty 
fer me to trust until I'm bridle-wise around here. 
{To Margie.) Gosh, you're most too pretty fer me 
to walk alongside of. 

Margie. 
{Taking his arm.) 
Not at all. 

Jerry. 
{Looking at Margie in admiration.) 
Gosh. {To Dick and Peter.) Say, fellers, I'm 
kinda cuttin' you out, ben't I? 

Dickie. 

{Amused.) 

That's all right, Jerry. The best man wins. 

Jerry. 
Wal, I can't help it. 

Margie. 
{Laughing.) 
Come on, Jerry. {Escorts Jerry off right.) 



__^ AM I INTRUDING? 41 

Vi. 

{Eagerly.) 
Come on, Doe ; come on, boys. Here's a bunch of 

Vare. 
Here, girls, you must behave. 

Vi. 

Oh, dad, don't be a joy-killer. Come on! 

(Vi exits right, dragging Dora with her. Dickie 
and Peter follow. All are laughing heartily.) 

Jane enters, left, followed by Earnest, who car- 
ries an armful of books, encyclopedia, dictionary, 

notes, etc. ^ 

Jane. 

What is the excitement, uncle? It is extremely 

difficult to do one's best work with so much noise and 

excitement. Perhaps I had better return to my 

room. ^j 

Vare. 

I think perhaps you may be interested in the new 

arrival, Jane. He is what you might call a "type." 

Jane. 
I am always interested in types. {Laughter off 
right.) Yes, I shall return to my room. Come 
Earnest. {Starts left.) 

Vare. 
{Looking off right.) 
Wait; he's coming back. 

Jerry dashes in, right. 
Jerry. 
Great State o' Maine ! Them gals is worse than 
a swarm of bees. Gee whilikins, by gum ! Don't 
know if I kin git broke to it or not. 



42 AM I INTRUDING? 

Vare. 
Jerry, I want you to meet my niece, Miss Jane 
Harbison. She writes stories. Jane, this is Gerald 
Mays, son of a friend of mine. 

Jane, 

You are welcome, ]Mr. Mays. (Gives him her 

hand. ) ^ 

Jerry. 

( Wipes his hand on his trousers and shakes hands 

with Jane; looks her over critically.) 

You ain't as wild as the other gals, be ye.'* 

Jane. 
( Vert/ primly. ) 
No, decidedly not. 

Vare. 
Make yourself at home, Jerry. 

Jerry. 
{Heartily.) 
You bet your boots, if them gals'll let me alone. 
I sort of shy when they's so many in a bunch. I'd 
like to tackle 'em one at a time, by heck. 

Vare. 

{Laughs.) 

You'll get used to them, Jerry. {Exits left.) 

Jerry. 

{To Jane.) 

Be you married.^ Is that your husband.'* {Points 

to Earnest.) -^^ 

^ Earnest. 

{Startled.) 

My word! ^ 

■^ Jane. 

My husband.? Certainly not. I am not married 

and never shall be. I am the author of the book 



AM I INTRUDING? 43 

entitled "The Aching Heart," or "How To Cure the 
Ills of the World." Marriage? I shall never think 
of anything as selfish as marriage. I shall devote my 
life, thought and energies to uplifting the world. 

Jerry. 
Gosh ! That sounds like some lift. The young 
feller is helpin' ye to lift it, ain't he.^^ Don't ye drop 
them books on yer toes, young feller, 'less ye want 
to be crippled fer life. 

Theideah! Eaknest. 

Jane. 
This is my secretary, Mr. Earnest Rathburn. 

Jerry. 
(Extending his hand.) 
How are ye, mister. What ye luggin' them books 
iround fer.^ Ye must be fond of readin'. 

Jane. 

They are my references. 

Jerry. 
Ye don't say. No wonder ye hev to wear goggles 
if ye got to read all that. If I ever tried to read all 
them words my head would bust right open. 

Jane. 
Well, I am wasting time, valuable time. Come, 
Earnest. I'll see you again, young man. I may put 
you in a book some day. 

Jerry. 
You git out! I'll have to be flatter than I be to 
be squeezed inter a book. 

Jane. 
One moment. You must tell me all about your 



44 AM I INTRUDING? 

life some day, Mr. Mays. I know there is a story 

in you. 

Jerry. 

T -, (Puzzled.) 

In me.'' ^ ^ 

Yes. J*''^- 

Jerry. 

Gosh, first time I knew they was anything like 

that in me. 

Jane. 

There are stories eA^ery where. Sh ! {Mysterioiis- 

ly.) You must never breathe it to a living soul, but 

there is a wonderful story here in this 

house. 

Jerry. 

{Half frightened.) 

Gosh ! 

Jane. 

Yes. Stocks, notes, the mortgage — a mysterious 

woman in black — a villain. 

Jerry. 

{Ready to fight.) 

Where is he.? 

Jane. 

{Cautiously.) 

Sh ! We must be discreet. But you shall help me 

write my story. Uncle Horace is being hounded by 

{dramatically) that villain, Blair Hoover, who is 

plotting with that mysterious woman in black. 

Jerry. 

{Half frightened.) 

You fifit out. ^ 

^ Jane. 

You must watch them. 

Jerry. 

Be a detecative .'^ 



AM I INTRUDING? 45 

Jane. 
Yes. We must save Uncle Horace. My story 
must have a happy ending. Sh ! Be discreet — but 
watch. Sh! Come, Earnest. {Exits very mysteri- 
ously , left. Earnest following with books.) 

Jerry. 
Crazier'n a loon, ain't she, Earnie.^ (Pokes 
Earnest in the ribs. Earnest kicks backward at 
Jerry.) You old son-of-a-gun. 

Earnest. 
(As he goes out.) 
Oh, boy! (Grins knowingly and exits left.) 

MoNA enters, right. 

MONA. 

Hello, leetle boy. 

Jerry. 
(Startled.) 
Gosh, another one. Hello, sis. 

MONA. 

Where you come from, eh.^^ 
Jerry. 
I come from Sage Creek, by gosh. 

MONA. 

(Approaching him.) 
You are so fonnee. I like you, leetle boy. 
Jerry. 
(Backing away.) 
You git out! I ain't no little boy. I wear sus- 
penders, by heck! 

MONA. 

(Coming closer.) 
I sink — I keess you — by heck. 



46 AM I INTRUDING? 

Jerry. 
{Quickly, in alarm.) 
If you do I'll holler. Keep yer distance, sis, if ye 
don't want to see a runaway. Gosh. It ain't safe 
here a minute. 

MONA. 

I go, leetle boy — but I come back. {Crossing 
left.) Oh, you keed ! {Laughs and exits left.) 

Jerry. 
{Looking after her.) 
Oh, you git out! {Kicks himself.) 

Margie enters right, 

Margie. 
Hello, Jerry. All alone .'^ 

Jerry. 
Gosh, no. You're here. 

Margie. 

Come here and sit down, Jerry. {Crossing, sits 

on settee.) ^ 

Jerry. 

{Bashfully.) 
You git out. ^ 3 if ) 

Margie. 

( Pleasantly. ) 

Come on. ^ 

Jerry. 

{In shy manner.) 

Oh, gosh, I can't. 

Margie. 

{Laughs.) 

Nothing to be afraid of. 

Jerry, 

Git out. I know enough to keep away from you 
vamps. 



AM I INTRUDING? 47 



Makgie. 
(Amused.) 
Why, Jerry, I'm not a vamp. How absurd. 

Jerry. 
If you ain't, then I ain't never seen one. 

Margie. 
Where did you ever see one? 

Jerry. 
In the picture movies. Oh, I'm wise, all right. 
I've seen 'em and I'm on to all their dodges. 
Margie. 
Really, I'm not a vamp, Jerry. I just want to 
talk to you. Come on, sit down. 
Jerry. 
No, sirree. That's the way they dazzle the fellers 
till they are so plum looney they don't know if 
they're goin' north or south, and they don't give a 
dern, either. (Takes a step toward her.) 

Margie. 
(Indicating seat beside her.) 
Come on. , 

(Crossing closer.) 
Oh, gosh! I'm slippin'. 

Margie. 
(Laughs.) 
Come on, Jerry. 

Jerry. 
(Going closer,) 
Oh, Bill, I need ashes. 

Margie. 
Come on. 



48 AM I INTRUDING? 



Jerry. 
(Sits beside Margie.) 
Gosh all firecrackers ! 

Margie. 
You see, I don't bite. (Laughs.) You have 
beautiful red hair, Jerry. (She gazes at his head. 
This line and business must be very marked.) 

Jerry. 
(Sliding away.) 
There ye go. 

Vi enters right. 
Vi. 
(Eagerly.) 
Here he is. Come on. Doe. 

Dora enters, right, after Vi. 
Vi. 
(Crosses to Jerry and grabs him.) 
Come and sit on the veranda, Jerry. 

Dora. 

(Grabs him, and they pull him toward right.) 

You sha'n't get away thith time. 

Jerry. 

(Resisting.) 

Oh, gosh! Say — quit it, gol dern it. 

Vi. 

Come on, Margie's had you long enough. 

^ Dora. 

Come on. 

(The girls gradually drag him toward right door.) 

Jerry. 

(Pretending to struggle.) 

Gosh. Oh, gee — 



AM I INTRUDING? 49 

(Vi and Dora pull Jerry, still resisting, off right.) 
Vare enters, left. 

Vare. 
Well, what do you think of him? 

Margie. 
What do you think of him? 

Vare. 
I never was so astonished in all my life. 

Margie. 
I'm going to like him. He's very refreshing. 

Vare. 
He certainly is. 

Margie. 
{Looks off right.) 
Here comes that man Hoover. Who is he, any- 
way? Why does he stay here? I don't like him. 
He seems always to be sneaking around. 

Vare. 

Sh! Run away now. I have a little business 

with Hoover. ^_ 

Margie. 

Business? 

Vare. 

Run along. 

Hoover enters, right. Margie exits quickly, left, 

ignoring him. 

Hoover. 
How about that check now, Mr. Vare? 

Vare. 
I've told you my decision, Mr. Hoover. 

Hoover, 
Well, I have bought up your notes. They come 



50 AM I INTRUDING? 

due in two days — pay m'e the money or let me have 

the stocks. 

Vare. 

{Dismayed.) 

Bought up my notes? 

Hoover. 
{Comfortably.) 
Exactly. 

•^ VARE. 

Why are you so anxious to get these stocks? 

Hoover. 
That's my affair. Remember, two days. {Exits, 
left.) 

Earnest enters, left. Vare sinks into chair and 
groans. 

Earnest. 
Are you ill, Mr. Vare? 

Vare. 
{Rising.) 
No, no; I'm all right. {Crosses left,) I'm all 
right. {Exits, left.) 

Jerry rushes on, right. 

Jerry. 
{Out of breath.) 
Oh, gosh. Say, where kin I hide from them gals? 
(Vi and Dora laugh off right. Jerry gets excited.) 
Gree. Oh, gosh! {Points to table.) Pick up them 
books. (Earnest fichs up boohs. Jerry snatches 
cover off table.) Here, Eamie, cover me with this. 

(Jerry sits in small arm chair at right of table 
and lays his arms along arms of chair. Earnest 
quickly covers Jerry completely, and fixes his lap to 



AM I INTRUDING? 51 

look like the seat of a chair; then straightens hooks^ 
fixes vase on table, etc.) 

Vi and Dora run on, right, 

Dora. 
Where did he go ? | 

Vi. 
Have you seen Jerry? 

{The above two speeches are given together.) 

Earnest. 
{Stupidly.) 
Ah— Jerry.? ^^^ 

Come on. (Vi and Dora run off, left.) 

Earnest. 
{Looks off left, then crosses quickly to Jerry.) 
Don't move. Keep quiet. {Exits quickly, right.) 

Hoover enters, left, crosses and looks right. Mrs. 
Hastings follows Hoover on, left. 

Hoover. 
{Nervously.) 
That secretary seems to be snooping around every- 
where. I meet him every turn I make. 

Mrs. Hastings. 
Nonsense. He's just a brainless simpleton. You're 
getting nervous. 

Hoover. 

I'm anxious, that's all. I want those stocks, and 

Vare may raise the money any minute to meet the 

notes. , _ 

Mrs. Hastings. 

No danger; the notes come due in two days, don't 

they.? 



52 AM I INTRUDING? 

Hoover. 

Yes. 

Mrs. Hastings. 

{Crossing toward chair where Jerry is.) 

Well, if there was any way for him to raise the 

money he would have gotten it long ago. You'll get 

the stock, never fear. {Comes to chair.) Sit down. 

(Hoover crosses to chair left of table.) I want to 

tell you — (Sits, then screams as Jerry puts his arms 

around her waist; struggles out of the chair, and in 

a fury snatches table cover off Jerry. Hoover 

jumps up.) 

Jerry. 

{Grins.) 

Am I intruding? 

Hoover. 
What the devil does this mean.? 

Jerry. 
Oh, gosh! I was hidin' from the girls and I fell 

Mrs. Hastings. 
You were sleeping.? 

Jerry. 
{Rubbing his eyes.) 

Hoover. 

{Grabs him by collar and sivings him around to right 
center.) 

Are you telling the truth.? 

Jerry. 

{Mad.) 
Gosh ding you! {Begins to roll up his sleeves.) 
You city jay, don't you get gay with me, or I'll 
step on the gas and take you so fur up the road ye'll 



AM I INTRUDING? 53 

never git back! {Swings his arms.) I'll lift ye up 
and let ye drop so hard ye'll crack all over. Gosh — 
ding — ye! (Dances around in a rage.) 

Mrs. Hastings. 
(After pause for laugh.) 
Let him alone. He hasn't heard anything. Come 
on. (Crosses right.) 

(Hoover follows her to right. Jerry dances 
around him, szmnging his arms, striking burlesque 
fighting attitudes, etc.) 

Hoover. 

(Laughs.) 

That's all right, Jerry. I apologize; my mistake. 

Let's shake hands and be friends. (Extends his 

hand.) T 

^ Jerry. 

Dern you (slaps Hoover's hand down) don't ye 

poke yer paw at me, dern ye. I'm madder'n a hornet, 

an' I've got some sting when I git mad. Look out 

fer me, or you'll soon be so swelled up all over thet 

yer own ma won't know ye. 

Mrs. Hastings. 
Come on. (Exits, right. Hoover laughs and 
exits, right, after her.) 

Earnest enters, right. 

Earnest. 
Well, Jerry, have you succeeded in discovering a 
new situation to incorporate in ouah new story.'' 

Jerry. 
I don't know what y're sayin', buddy, but ef y're 
talkin' about the story we're writin', I'll promise ye 
it ain't goin' to be no comic. It'll have a deep-dyed, 



54 AM I INTRUDING? 

traged}^ finish, if that there city jay ever grabs me 
by the collar again. 

Margie, Dora and Vi all rush on, left, with a scream, 
and surround Jerry. 



Here he 


is. 




Margie. 
Vi. 


Now we 


have 


you. 


Dora. 



He can't ethcape. 
(The above three speeches are given together.) 

Jerry. 
Say, gals, ye got me foul. Jest give me a chance, 
and the gal that catches me kin hev me. 

Margie, Dora and Vi. 
(All together.) 
All right — Go! (They release him.) 

(Jerry hounds off, left. Margie, Dora and Vi, 
with Margie in the lead, exeunt left, after Jerry, 
screaming shrilly. Earnest looks after them. 
Margie, Dora and Vi all shout.) 

Earnest. 
(Watching.) 
She got him. 

Margie runs on, left, dragging Jerry. 

Margie. 

(Out of breath.) 

He's mine. 

Jerry. 

(Delighted.) 

By heck, that goes! (Opens his arms.) Come 

and git me. 



AM I INTRUDING? 55 

(Margie laughs and runs into Jerry's arms.) 

Dickie and Peter enter from right, quickly. Vi 
and Dora run on from left. 

All. 
{Together.) 
Oh!!! 

Curtain. 



AM I INTRUDING? 



The Second Act. 

The scene is the same. It is the afternoon of the 
following day. 

The phonograph is playing a lively dance record 
when the curtain rises. Vi and Dickie are dancing. 
Margie and Jerry are sitting on the settee down 
left, conversing quietly. Peter stands by the phono- 
graph. Dora sits in the easy chair down left, rather 
unhappily watching the dancing couple. 

After a moment Jane enters from the right. She 
crosses the stage in a very dignified manner, and 
exits left after dodging the dancers. Earnest, carry- 
ing an armful of books, follows her. He goes down 
stage to avoid the dancers, and as he passes the settee, 
Jerry puts out his foot and trips him. Earnest 
makes a funny fall. 

Earnest. 
(Rises and picks up books, indignantly.) 

You ungentlemanly person ! If you eveh upset* 
me in this manneh again I shall chastise you severely. 
Do you heah ? Severely ! 

Jerry. 
Gosh, I apologize, Earnie. Guess I must hev the 
spring halt. But don't you think of chastisin' mc, 
sonny, fer if ye do I'll feel hurt. (Waves his foot 
at Earnest.) 

Earnest. 
Rude person! (Exits, left.) 

(Peter stops the phonograph.) 

57 



58 AM I INTRUDING? 

Vi. 

Isn't he the extreme scream? What did you do 
that for, Jerry? 

Jerry. 
Just wanted to see if he'd break. 

Vi. 

Come on. Let's have a game of tennis. 

Dickie. 
I second the motion. Come on, Vi. (Takes her 
arm,) Vi. 

(Turning.) 
Come on, Petie. 

Peter. 
(Sullenly.) 
I don't want to play tennis. 

Vi. 
(Catches his hand.) 
Come on, poutie — 

Peter. 
(Pulling his hand away.) 
You let me alone. 

Vi. 
Have it your own way. See you later, Adam Sour 
Guy. Come on, Dickie. Come on. Doe and Margie, 
are you coming? (Exits right y followed hy Dickie.) 

Margie. 
(Jumping up.) 
Are we, Jerry? 

Jerry. 
(Rising.) 
You bet I am, if you be. 



AM I INTRUDING? 59 

Margie. 
Well, I be. Come on. (Margie and Jerry 
exeunt right.) 

Dora. 
{Sadly.) 
I'll thtay here with jou, Petie. 

Peter. 

{Bitterly.) 

Can't Vi be mean, though.^ {Comes center.) Just 

because she knows you like Dickie — you do like him, 

don't you, Doe? 

Dora. 

{Nods her head yes.) 

Yeth, I do. 

Peter. 

She goes and flirts with him, and he*s sl darn flirt, 

too. 

Dora. 

Oh, it ithn't hith fault. 

Peter. 

It is, too. ^ 

Dora. 

It ith not, Petie. Vi jutht maketh him flirt. 

Peter. 
Oh, fish hooks. He's just as bad as she is, and 
worse. 



/i C!\-. 


Dora. 


He ith not. 


Peter. 


He is too. 


Dora. 


He ithn't. 


Peter. 


He is. 


Dora. 




{Wistfully.) 


I don't think 


you're a bit polite. 



60 AM I INTRUDING? 

Peter. 
{Recklessly.) 
Being polite don't get you anything. 

Dora. 
I love polite people. 

Peter. 
{With sudden brightness.) 
Say, Dora, I've got a scheme. 

What ith it? °°''^- 

Peter. 
Let's you and me make Dickie and Vi jealous. 

Dora. 
{Dubiously.) 
Do you thuppothe we could? 

Peter. 
Sure. You be devoted to me and I'll be devoted to 
you, and I'll bet they won't be so smart. 

Dora. 
{Not convinced.) 
Thuppothe they don't get jealous? 

Peter. 
Then that's proof positive that they don't care. 
Don't you want to know the truth? 

Dora. 
{Mournfully.) 
No — I don't believe I do. 

Peter. 
Well, I do. And it's better for you, too. They 
say jealousy is a sure sign of love. 



AM I INTRUDING? _ ^1 

Dora. 

I alwayth thought it wath becauth you were 

biUouth. „ 

Peter. 

Well, are you game.'^ 

Dora. 
(WitJiout enthusiasm.) 
Oh, dear, I gueth tho. 

Peter. 
All right; come on, then. We'll go canoeing now, 
and this evening when we go to the city to see the 
play, you sit close to me in the box, and we'll be de- 
voted and just spoon all evening. 

Dora. 
Oh, dear, that'th wathting tho much time. Bc- 
thideth, it'th dangerouth. 

Peter. 
What do you mean, dangerous .'^ 

Dora. 
(With an azvful thought.) 
Why, we might fall in love with — e a c h other! 

Peter. 
I don't care if we do. 

Dora. 
{Close to tears.) 
Petie — you're tho pethimithtic. 

Peter. 
I can't help it. Oh, anyhow — a man never can 
understand a woman. 

Dora. 
{Taking his arm and looking into his face.) 
Well, platonic friendship ith wonderful. We will 
be wonderful friendth. 



62 AM I INTRUDING? 

Peter. 
(Smiling into her face.) 
Say — are your eyes brown or hazel? 

Dora. 
(Smiling sentimentally into his face.) 
Brown. (Or whatever they are.) 

Peter. 
They certainly are awful pretty. Come on, bet 
we will have a dandy time on the water. (Crosses 

up right.) ^^^^ 

(Crossing with him.) 
I'll bet we have a peachy time. 

Peter. 
I should worry about Vi. 

Dora. 
I thould worry about Dickie. (Both exeunt, 
right, arm in arm.) 

Jane enters, left, followed hy Earnest, carrying 
books as usual. 

Jane. 

They have all gone. Now I can go out on the 
veranda where it is cool. Oh, dear, I seem to have 
no inspiration to write to-day. 

Earnest. 
(Indicating the large chair.) 
Why not sit here and rest a while.'' 

Jane. 
(Considers it.) 
I think I shall. (Crosses to chair and sits.) 
Earnest, you are just wonderful. You seem to un- 
derstand my every mood. After all, it is very diffi- 



AM I INTRUDING? 63 

cult to keep tuned to the sublime all the time, isn't 

it? 

Earnest, 

(Nodding.) 
It is, really. (Stoops and puts books on floor in 
front of her to make a footstool.) Put youah little 
feet heah — it will rest you. I, too, long for compan- 
ionship and sympathy, at times. Really. 

Jane. 
(Tensely.) 
Do you — Earnest.'' 

Earnest. 
(With restraint.) 
Yes, Miss Harbison. 

Call me «Tane. 

Earnest. 

Thank you — Jane. 

Jane. 

Let us not work this afternoon. Earnest. Let us 
go for a long, long walk through goldenrod lane. 
(She unconsciously throws off her inspired manner 
and becomes just an enthusiastic girl.) Then we'll 
take the path through the woods, and come out by 
the water and go for a sail. That will be just rip- 
ping. Can you sail a boat.^ (Rises.) 

Earnest. 

(Dropping his affectation of manner, becomes an 

enthusiastic boy.) 

I sure can. t 

Jane. 

Great! Come on then. Earnest. We will steal 

to-day. Let the old books stay there. (Crosses up 

right.) 



64 AM I INTRUDING? 

Earnest. 
(Grabbing her arm.) 
We're on our way. Let's go. (Both exetint eager- 
ly, right.) 

Vare enters slowly, left. He appears very despond- 
ent, Margie enters right. 

Margie. 
Hello, daddy. You've been shut up in the library 
all day. I've been so worried. I came back to look 
for you. Now you must tell me what is troubling 
you. You sha'n't evade it any longer. I must know. 
{Leads him to big chair at right.) Sit down there 
and tell me everything. I know it must be serious, 
for I've never seen you like this. 

Vare. 
No, no; you sit there, I'll stand. 

Margie. 
Very well. (Sits.) Now I'm ready. 

Vare. 
(Tries to smile.) 
What an imagination you have. Why, I'm all 

^^^^ ' Margie. 

Nothing doing. You can't get away with that 
any longer, dad. Come on, 'fess up. 
Vare. 
(Uneasily.) 
Well, I wish you were engaged or married to some 
one who was financially fixed to take care of you. 

Margie. 
Oh, that's what's worrying you.'^ You want to get 
me off your hands.? You want to get rid of me? 



^___^ AM I INTRUDING? 65 

Vare. 

Marjory! ^ ^^ '^ 

Margie. 
Now, no more evasion, dad. Out with it. It's 
money, isn't it? 

Vare. 
^y (After a pause,) 

Margie. 
(Rises, and puts her arm through his.) 
Well, tell me all about it. Why, dad, dear, that's 
not so worse. I'm big enough to be able to help 
some. I'm not afraid. I'll work in an office. 

Vare. 
Don't waste your time. Find a man, financially 
responsible, dear, and marry. You are twenty-two. 

Margie. 
Is my dad advising me to marry for money .? 

. Vare. 

Imagine you, wasting your time on Jerry, that 

screen — , , 

^ Margie. 

( Interrupting. ) 

Now, dad. You don't see Jerry with my eyes. 

There are big possibilities in Gerald. I'm mighty 

fond of him. __ 

Vare. 

(Disma2/ed.) 

Good Gracious! You aren't really serious? 

^r T Margie. 

Yes, I am. 

Vare. 

Have you lost your senses? 



66 AM I INTRUDING? 

Margie. 
Let's talk about you, dad. Now, tell me everything. 
Your trouble has to do with that man Hoover — I 
know — the housekeeper's brother. 

Vare. 
No, he isn't responsible. I have invested all I have 
in the world in the Bluebird Motor Corporation. 
Two weeks ago the bottom dropped out of it. I am 
ruined — home mortgaged — everything gone — with 
notes to meet to-morrow. 

Margie. 
What has Hoover to do with it.? 

Vare. 

He has offered to buy the Bluebird stock at a big 

sacrifice. , _ 

Margie. 

Why.? Why does he want it.? 
Vare. 

That's just it. Why.? I overheard him talking 
to his sister, and from their conversation they are 
very anxious to get the stock, so I decided they knew 
something. I refused to sell. But I'm afraid I'll 
have to let him have it. He has bought up my notes 
and they are due to-morrow. 

Margie. 
Won't he wait.? Give you more time, dad.? 
Vare. 



I'm afraid not. 
I'll ask him. 
Nonsense. 



Margie. 
Vare. 



Margie. 
Yes, dad. I'll try. But don't worry. We still 



AM I INTRUDING? 67 



have to-day. Let to-morrow take care of itself. 
{Crossing right.) Let's go and sit on the veranda 
and talk. {Brightly,) Buck up, dad; I'll have a 
talk with this Hoover. 

Vare. 
{Uneasily.) 
I don't like the idea. {Starts right.) 

Margie. 
Well, we'll try it. (Margie and Vare exeunt 
right.) 

Hoover enters, left, followed by Mrs. Hastings. 

Mrs. Hastings. 

Ask him a^ain. ^_. 

Hoover. 

{Angrily.) 

Oh, quit nagging. Let me run my own business. 

Mrs. Hastings. 
{Indignantly.) 
"Your" business ! I'd like to know — 

Hoover. 

There you go again, "If it wasn't for me." I 

know you put me next to this thing. But if I'm to 

hear about it for the rest of my life, it's dear at half 

the price. ^^ ^_. 

Mrs. Hastings. 

There's no one so smart that it will hurt him to 

listen to a little advice. 

Hoover. 

Oh, I'm sick of advice. I know what I'm doing. 

I intend to speak to him to-day. But he's going to 

hang on to the stock till the last minute. It's lucky 

the notes come due to-morrow. The newspapers are 



68 AM I INTRUDING? 

liable to get the dope any minute, and then — 

"flooey." 

*^ Mrs. Hastings. 

Oh, he'll let go of it. Someone's coming, I'll go. 

(Exits quicMy, left.) 

Margie enters, right. 

Margie. 
Good afternoon, Mr. Hoover. {Comes center.) 

Hoover. 
{Taken hy surprise.) 
Good afternoon. Miss Vare. 

Margie. 
Mr. Hoover, my father tells me you hold notes of 

Hoover. 
Sit down. Miss Vare. 

IMargie. 
Thank you. {Sits in easy chair at right.) 

Hoover. 
Yes, I do hold notes. 

Margie. 
Will you give my father a little more time.^ 

Hoover. 
{Smiles.) 
I'd like to accommodate such a pretty young lady, 

Margie. 
{Uising.) 
But you will not.? 

Hoover. 
{With outstretched hand.) 
Don't be in a hurry. {Crosses, looks off left, and 



AM I INTRUDING? 69 

returns to center.) Your father is in a bad fix. He 
faces ruin, Miss Vare. 

Margie. 
How did you learn all this? 

Hoover. 
Never mind, I know. Now, a dutiful daughter 
might save her father, and feather her own nest, be- 
sides. ,^ 

Margie. 

{Concealing her disgust.) 
You put it prettily. 

Hoover. 

Now my — sister — Mrs. Hastings — is peculiar. 
That is, she doesn't want me to marry. See.^ 

Margie. 
I see. {Quietly.) 

Hoover. 
I have plenty of money, and I'd like a wife that I 
could be proud of. Get me.^ 

„, Margie. 

Uh, yes. 

Hoover. 
I'm not such a bad looker {stretches himself im- 
portantly), I've got a sweet disposition and I could 
make any girl happy. Don't you think so.'^ 

Margie. 
No doubt of it ; if she wasn't — too hard to please. 

Hoover. 
{Missing her sarcasm.) 
That's the dope. Now, I like you. 

Margie. 
Well enough to give my father time on the notes .^ 



70 AM I INTRUDING? 



Hoover. 
Sure. Here's the big idea. You get your old man 
to turn the Bluebird stock over to you, see.^^ 

]Margie. 
I see. 

Hoover. 

To-night your bunch is going to the city to see a 

•^ ^' Margie. 

Yes. jr 

Hoover. 

Well, you bring the stock. I'll meet you in the 

city, see.^ We'll just run over to New Jersey and 

get married. And I don't care if your old man never 

pays the notes. 

Margie. 

{Sweetly.) 

Just put the extension of time on those notes in 

writing, will you, Mr. Hoover.? 

Hoover. 

^, (T alien aback.) 

Oh, say. 

Margie. 

(Seriouslt/.) 

I'd do most anything to save my father. 

Hoover. 
You would? (Thinks.) All right, I'll do it. 

Mrs. Hastings enters quietly left, and listens, un- 
observed. Hoover writes on hack of a check, with 
fountain pen, at table. 

Hoover. 
(Having finished writing, rises.) 
Here you are, honey. But you've got to give me a 
kiss to seal the bargain. 



AM I INTRUDING? 71 



Margie. 
(Smiling.) 
Of course. (Approaches him, smiling, suddenly 
snatches paper, and runs up left, directly into Mrs. 
Hastings's arms,) 

Mrs. Hastings. 
(Snatching paper from Margie.) 
What's this? 

Margie, 

It's mine. ^^'"^''"^ *" ^'* ''•> 

Mrs. Hastings. 

(Protecting it.) 
No, it's mine. 

Hoover. 

Keep it, Kate. (E^"*^dllf-) 
Margie. 
(Furiously.) 
Oh, you miserable pair of cheats ! But I'll save 
my father, in spite of you! (Exits quickly, right.) 

Mrs. Hastings. 
(Coming center, after reading paper.) 
So that's your plan, eh? Throw me over and 
marry a younger woman ? 

Hoover. 
Don't be foolish. 

Mrs. Hastings. 
You try that again, and I'll go to Mr. Vare and 
tell him the whole story. 

Hoover. 
I was only kidding the girl. 

MoNA enters left, listens, and goes behind the screen. 



72 AM I INTRUDING? 



Mrs. Hastings. 
Mighty serious kidding. {Tears paper.) To- 
night you and I will go to the city and get married, 
Blair. 

HOOA^ER. 

{Impatiently.) 
Sure, any time. Only I'd rather wait until — 

Mrs. Hastings. 
We will not wait. You will marry me to-night. 
{Exits left.) 

^ ^ ^ MONA. 

{Coming doxmi center excitedly.) 
So! You geeve me ze double-cross, eh.^ You 
marree zat oP woman .^^ Ha! Eet is to laugh. I 
will see you in ze prison — comprenez-vous.^ 

T, . ^ Hoover. 

Be quiet. 

MoNA. 

{Furious.) 
Non ! I weell not be quiet. Jamais — nevair ! I 
weell make one beeg — shindy ! I weell shriek. You 
are one beeg wasp ! 

Hoover. 
Cutie, cutie, behave. 

MoNA. 

You "cutie" me, I slap my hand in your face! 

Hoover. 
Now, now. {Puts his arms around her.) Listen, 
You are my onliest little girl. 

MoNA. 

{A bit placated.) 
Zat oP woman eez one beeg tabby cat. 

Hoover. 
Right you are, peaches. But we must be nice to 



AM I INTRUDING? 73 

her for a little while longer. You won't spoil the 
whole scheme by kicking things over now, will you? 

MONA. 

(Hesitating.) 
When I keek — I keek hard. 

Hoover. 
You bet your life you do. But w*e will cut "ze 
keeks" for a day or two, eh? 

MoNA. 

I cut ze keek — eef you svear you love me. 

Hoover. 
I swear — fluently. 

MONA. 

(Smiling.) 
Oh, Blair, you are so fonnee! 

Hoover. 
Now you run along, peachy. 

MONA. 

Once more I run along. But be-ware; do not 
mek me angree. Ven I get so excite and angree — I 
blow up ! And I speell all ze secrets. 

Hoover. 
Well, just put yourself on ice for a day or two, 
honey, keep cool. (Takes her up right.) 

MONA. 

I put myself on ze ice — but be careful or I melt 

heem. Keess me. (Kisses Hoover.) I be good. 

(Exits left.) 

^ Hoover. 

Whew! {Mopping his forehead.) 
Vare enters right. 



74 AM I INTRUDING? 

Vare. 
Here again, Mr. Hoover? 

Hoover. 
How is it to-day, Mr. Vare.? 

Vare. 

I'll wait until to-morrow. I'll keep my last day 

of fifrace. 

Hoover. 

Have it your own way. 

Vare. 
I intend to, Mr. Hoover. (Exits left.) 

Dora and Peter run on right. 

Hoover. 
Hello, youngsters. Having a good time.?* 

Dora. 

Oh, jutht thplendid. 

Hoover. 
That's the dope. (Exits right.) 

Dora. 
( Enthusias tic ally. ) 
Oh, Petie, it'th working, ithn't it.? 

Peter. 
(Indifferently.) 
Do you think so? 

Dora. 
Sure it ith. Why, Vi wath jutht thruck thpeech- 
leth when she thaw you put your arm around me. 
She never wath tho thurprithed in all her thweet 
young life. ^^^^^ 

(Touched hy remorse.) 
I hate to make her suffer. 



AM I INTRUDING? 75 

Dora. 
Oh, Petie, don't give in now. It'th working beau- 
tifully. (Looks off right.) Oh, here she comcth. 
Petie, come here quick. (Sits on chair down right.) 
Thit on the arm of the chair, quick! Put your arm 
around my neck. 

Peter. 
(Listlessli/.) 
Oh, what's the use.'^ (Does so.) 

Vi enters right, quickly. 

Vi. 
Petie! Oh, excuse me. (Sees Peter and Dora.) 
Gee, I'd have used tlic brake if I'd thought I was 
going to run into two such sweet peaches. (Calls off 
right.) Dickie, come here. (Peter and Dora rise 
in mock embarrassment.) 

Dickie enters, right. 

Huh.P ^^^"^"• 

Vi. 
You should have seen the turtle-doves a second 

° * Dickie. 

What do you mean, turtle-doves.'^ 

Vi. 

(Scathingly.) 
Sitting on a limb, heads together, hands entwined 
— the whole sentimental works. (Goes over and sits 
on settee angrily.) 

Dickie. 
(Crosses to Vi at settee.) 
Well, we should worry. 



76 AM I INTRUDING? 

Oh, go away ! 

Peter. 
{Sxveetly, to Dora, as he starts right.) 
Come on, dearie. 

Dora. 
(Crossing to Peter.) 
All right, Petie. 

(Bising quickly.) 
Pctic, I want to tell you something. 

Peter. 
Haven't time now, \'\. Have an engagement with 
Dora. 

(Dora and Peter exeunt, right. Vi sits quickly.) 

Dickie. 
I never knew Peter cared for Dora. Gee, I was 
getting serious there. {Sits beside Vi.) 

Vi. 

{With a sniff.) 
I don't know what men see in her. 

Dickie. 
She's a real sweet kid. 

Vi. 

And I thought Petie could never, never see 
any other girl but me. And now he coolly passes 
me up for her. Why, he never did such a thing be- 
fore. 

Margie enters quickly, right. 

Margie. 
Oh, Dickie, come here a minute, will you.^ 



AM I INTRUDING? 77 

Dickie. 
{Jumps up quickly, and crosses to Margie.) 
You bet. {Exits right, with Margie.) 

Vi. 

{Miifed.) 
Well, I like that. 

Jerry hacks on angrily, right, 

Jerry. 
Why, the dern city jay, he ain't got the man- 
ners of my heifer — 

•^ \i. 

{Interrupting.) 
What's the matter, Jerry? 

Jerry. 

Gee, I'm all broke up. Honest, I am. {Crosses to 

center.) 

^ Vi. 

Come over here and sit down. (Jerry sits beside 

Vi.) What's the trouble, old dear? 

Jerry. 
Gosh. I'm in love. 

Vi. 
Country lanes and city cobblestones ! Who are 
you in love with? 

Jerry. 
I'm sweet on Marjory, gosh ding it. And she 
don't give a hoot er a haw fer me. Why, I love that 
gal so much I'd empty the Atlantic with a bucket if 
she wanted me to. And she's jest mashed on that 
city jay. Oh, gee! 

Vi. 
{Putting her arm around Jerry's neck.) 
Never mind, Jerry, old dear. We will console 



78 AM I INTRUDING? 

each other. That little kitten Dora has taken my 
Petie away from me, too. Oh, gee! (Imitating his 
exclamation.) 

Margie enters quickly with Peter, right. 

Vi. 

{Jumps up and runs to Peter.) 

Oh, Petie— 

Peter. 

( Quickly. ) 

You keep away from me. (Exits, right.) 

Vi. 

Petie, let me explain. (Exits, right.) 

Margie. 
(Coming to center.) 
Well ! And you pretended to like me. I never 
thought it of you, Jerry. 

Jerry. 
Oh, say. Hold on, Margie. 

Margie. 
(Coolly.) 
You are learning very fast. But I don't care if 
you don't. (Crosses and sits in easy chair at right.) 
Jerry. 
(Crossing to center.) 
Oh, Margie. Say, sugar, I love you, better'n all 
the world. Honest I do. Don't be mad at me, 
Margie. (Sits on books.) Some day we're going 
to be married. It don't seem possible you could like 
me well enough, but I believe you do. I love you. 

Margie. 
(Pushes him over and runs to left door; laughs.) 
I'm glad to hear you say that. But you'll have 
to prove it. 



AM I INTRUDING? 79 

Jerry. 
(Starting quickly up left.) 
I'll do that, by hickory! (Catches her hand and 
brings her back to center.) 

Margie. 

Jerry, my father is in trouble. I'm dreadfully 

worried. ^ 

Jerry. 

Listen. I know all about it. If I get your father 

out of it, will ye marry me some day — if I go to a 

city school and get human-looking.^ 

Margie. 
Jerry, if you save my father (thinks a moment), 
I'll marry you and love you forever after. 

Jerry. 

(Eagerly.) 

It's a go ! And when I do, will you give me a 

kiss ? _ _ 

Margie. 

Yes. 

Jerry. 

Well I won't ask for it till then. 
Mona enters, left, 

MONA. 

Meess Vare, your gown is layed and I am ready to 
dress you for ze theatre to-night. 

Margie. 
I'm coming, Mona. 

Mona. 

Tres bien. (Exits left.) 

Margie. 

Jerry, won't you come with us to-night? 



80 AM I INTRUDING? 



Jerry. 
Gosh, no. I'm afecrecl of the city. 

Margie. 
(Laughs.) 
Oh, jou get out! {Exits left. Change costume,) 

Jerry. 
{Kicks himself in glee.) 
Jerry, ol' hoss, you've won the finest gal in these 
here United States, gosh ding it! {Stands looking 
off left, enraptured.) 

Jane enters, right, followed hy Earnest. 

Jane. 
Earnest, the references. 

Earnest. 
Yes, dear. {Picks up books.) 

Jerry. 
{Turning as they speak.) 
Hello. How be ye? 

Jane. 
At a standstill. I'm waiting for material to finish 
the twenty-third chapter. 

Jerry. 
You'll git it soon. Remember what I told you. 
{Mysteriously.) Be ready. Sh! {Finger to lips, 
with absurd gesture of caution.) 

Jane. 
^^, , {Same business.) 

Earnest. 
,. (Same business.) 

(Jane and Earnest exeunt, left.) 



AM I INTRUDING? 81 



MoNA enters left, stops, kisses her hand and blows 
the kiss to Jerry. 

rM, 1 Ji MoNA. 

On you keed! 

Jerry. 
(With a '* shooing'^ gesture.) 
Scat! Get out, you little son-of-a-gun. 

Dora enters right, xvith Dickie, folloived by Vi zmth 
Peter. 

MoNA. 

Ladies, eet ees time to dress for dinair. 

Vi. 

All right, Mona. Come on, kids. Come on, Petie 
darling. {Exits quickly, left, with Peter. Change 
costumes.) j^^^^^ 

Hello, Jerry, old pal. 

Dickie. 
How are the crops .^ 

Jerry. 
Great, by heck! 

(Dickie and Dora laugh, and exeunt left. Change 
costumes.) 

^ MoNA. 

(To Jerry, mischievously.) 
I get you yet. j^^^^_ 

Derned if ye do. 

MoNA. 

(Crossing to him.) 
Don't you like me one leetle beet, Jerree.'' 
Jerry. 
( Waving her away. ) 
Shoo ! Don't you come near me. Shoo. Get out. 



82 AM I INTRUDING? 

MONA. 

{Laughing gleefully.) 
Oh, you fonnee country-man. How is ze peeg and 
ze leetle shickens? 

Jerry. 
Cooped up, by heck. That's where you oug'ht to 

MoNA. 

You are afraid.^ Of me.? 

Jerry. 
Just as soon fool around poison oak, by heck. 

MoNA. 

(^Laughing.) 

Nevair mind. I get you yet — by heck. {Exits 
left.) 

While Jerry is looking off after her, Vare enters 
left. 

Hello, Jerry. 

Jerry. 
Howdy, Mr. Vare. 

Vare. 
How are you enjoying your visit? 

Jerry. 
I'm havin' one heck of a time, by gosh. 

Vare. 
I'm glad to hear it. 

Jerry. 
Yes, sir. And say, Mr. Vare, don't you do no more 
worrying, becuz things is going to break all O. K. 
for you. 

Vare. 
I'm glad to hear you say so, Jerry. But who 
told you I was in trouble.? 



AM I INTRUDING? 83 

, , . Jerry. 

Margie. 

Vare. 

^, (Not pleased.) 

Jerry. 
{Twisting his hat in his hands, in embarrassment.) 
Mr. Vare — 

VARE. 

Yes. (Curtly.) 

Jerry. 
Gosh. I want to saj — 

Vare. 
,^ ( Impatiently, ) 

Jerry. 
I want to ask you — 

^ Vare. 

(jro on. 

Jerry. 

( Confused. ) 

Gee, I can't. Oh, gosh. Mr. Vare — Margie and 

me — By hickory, I can't say it. {Pleadingly.) Oh, 

help a feller out, Mr. Vare. 

Vare. 
If it were anyone but you, Jerry — my old chum's 
son — I should be mightily tempted to help you out. 

Jerry. 

(Delighted.) 
Oh, gee ! V S y 

Vare. 

With the toe of my boot. 

Jerry. 

(In alarm.) 
Oh, gosh! ^ ^ 



84_ AM I INTRUDING? 

Vare. 
{In a kindly tone.) 
Why, Jerry, lad, you could never make my girl 
happy. I don't want to wound you, but you are 
rough — uneducated — poor. 

Jerry. 
Oh, I could take care of her. I got some money 
saved up. If I was polished up and educated, would 
you give me a chance? 

Vare. 

Yes, of course — if Margie is willing to wait that 

long;. ^ 

" Jerry. 

Oh, she won't have to wait so long. I'm quicker'n 

chain lightnin' when I get started. 

Vare. 

{Cordially.) 

All right, Jerry. We'll let it go at that. {Holds 

out his hand.) _ 

Jerry. 

{Taking Vare's hand.) 

And — say, Mr. Vare, you kin have that money 

I've got in the bank, if ye need it. 

Vare. 
How much could you let me have.? 

Jerry. 

{Proudly.) 

I kin let ye have tw^o hundred and fifty — cash. 

Vare. 
{Laughing.) 
Never mind, Jerry. That's mighty kind of you. 
But it wouldn't help any. 



AM I INTRUDING? 85 

Jerry. 
Well, don't give up, Mr. Vare. Don't forgit what 
Shakespeare said, "While there's hope, there's life," 
or something like that. 

Vare. 
I'll remember. And thanks for your good inten- 
tions. -_ 

Jerry. 

( Generously. ) 
Oh, that's all right. You're going to be my father- 
in-law some day. I ain't doin' no more than right. 
Well, I'll go and dress fer dinner. So long. {Exits 
left. Change costume.) 

Vare. 
(Calls after him.) 
So long, Jerry. 
Mrs. Hastings enters left. She evidently has some- 
thing on her mind. 

Mrs. Hastings. 
Mr. Vare. 

Vare. 

Mrs. Hastings, you understand you are to prepare 

dinner for six only this evening. The young folks 

and I are going to the city, and we won't be home 

until after midnight. 

Mrs. Hastings. 

Yes, Mr. Vare. ,, 

Vare. 

The girls will have to hurry if we catch the five- 
thirty. We shall dine in the city. 

^r . Mrs. Hastings. 

Yes, sir. 

Vare. 

(In courteous dismissal.) 

Very good. 



86 AM I LNTRUDING? 

Mrs. Hastings. 

^^ ^r (Hesitates.) 

Mr. Vare. ^ ^ 

Vare. 

Yes, Mrs. Hastings. 

Mrs. Hastings. 

You will please accept my resignation, to take 

effect a week from to-night. 

Vare. 
{S ear chin gly.) 
What's the trouble, Mrs. Hastings? 

Mrs. Hastings. 
{Uneasily.) 
I can better myself. 

Vare. 
{Quietly.) 
Very well, Mrs. Hastings. 

Mrs. Hastings. 
Thank you. {Exits left.) 

(Margie, Vi and Dora laugh off left.) 
Margie enters, left, in evening gown. 

Margie. 
Well, dad, guess we're all ready. Aren't you go- 
ing to dress.?* 

Vare. 
No. 

Vi runs on, left, followed by Dora. They both 

have changed to evening gowns. Dickie and Peter, 

in evening dress, follow the girls on. Mona enters 

after them, carrying the girls* cloaks. 

Vi. 

{Gaijly.) 

All right, dad. Why, you're not dressed. 



AM I INTRUDING? 87 

Vare. 
I'm not going to change. While ^^ou're at the 
theatre, I have some business to transact in the city. 
I'll call for you after the show. 

Vi. 

{Disappointed.) 

Oh, dad, tliat isn't fair. How do you like my 

ffown, dad? 

Vare. 

Mighty pretty. ^^ 

How much time have wc? 

Vare. 
Oh, a little time vet. You weren't long in dress- 

'"«■ ~ Vi. 

Let's have just one dance before we go. 

Let'th. ^'"'^- 

Peter. 

{Crossing right.) 

I'll be the orchestra. {Starts phonograph, with 

dance record.) 

Vi. 

I'm not dancing. 

^nn i. o Dickie. 

What ? 

AmI,Petie? C^-'/W) 

Margie. 
{Urging,) 
Go on, Petie. You and Vi dance. I'll look out 
for the orchestra. {Crosses right.) 

Dickie. 
Lome on, Dora. 



AM I INTRUDING? 



Vi. 

Come on, Petie. 

(Peter and Vi dance; Dickie and Dora dance. When 
the music is about half through — ) 

Jerry enters, left, in ill-fitting evening clothes. 

Vi. 
{Seeing Jerry.) 
Oh, look at Jerry! 

Jerry. 
( Grinning. ) 
Howdy, folks. Am I intruding.^ {All laugh.) 
Come on dance, Margie. 

Margie. 
{At phonograph.) 
I'm the orchestra. 

Jerry. 

{Picking up a sofa cushion.) 

All right. I can't step on this girl's toes. {Does 

funny dancing with cushion. All laugh. Dancing 

continues through record. Margie stops machine.) 

Vare. 
{When record has finished.) 
Well, children, come on. It's time. Sorry you're 
not coming, Jerry. {Exits right.) 

(MoNA starts helping girls with wraps.) 

Jerry. 
I'll park here till ye come back. 

Margie. 
Good-bye, Jerry. 

Will you be up when we come home, Jerry? 



AM I INTRUDING? 89 

Jerry. 
I expect to be. (General ''Good-byes*' by all.) 
So long. 

(Margie, Dora, Vi, Peter and Dickie exeunt rights 
in order named, chattering to one another.) 

MONA. 

{To Jerry, slyly.) 

Oh you keed ! 

Jerry. 

(Shying away.) 

Oh you bumblebee ! 

MoNA. 

I steal you yet, Jerree ! 

Jerry. 
Not if I see you coming. 

MONA. 

(Coyhj.) 
Nighty-night — Jerree ! 

Jerry. 
(Laughing.) 
So long, bumble. 

MoNA. 

Me a bee, you a sveet violet. Bonne nuit, Jerree. 
(Throws a kiss and exits left.) 

Jerry. 
(Calls after her.) 
Sweet nightmares, Frenchy. Gol dern it, that 
gal's got her eye on me. 

Hoover enters, right. 

Hoover. 
(Attempting cordiality.) 
Hello, buddy. Left us all alone, eh.^ 



90 AM I INTRUDING? 

Jerry. 

Yep. (^'"'^^^•) 

Hoover. 
What do you say to a little game of cards.'* 

Jerry. 
{Curtly.) 
Nothing doing. 

Hoover. 
Can't you play? 

Jerry. 
I kin but I won't. 

Hoover. 
{Annoyed.) 
Won't play with me, eh? 

^, Jerry. 

JN ope. 

. , , ,. Hoover. 

And why notr 

I don't like ye. 

Hoover. 
{Sitting- in big chair.) 
Oh, you don't, eh? 

__ ' Jerry. 

Nope. 

Hoover. 

Why don't you like me? 

Want to know? 

Hoover. 
Sure I want to know. 

Jerry. 
Well I think you're a no-account, measly, gosh- 
dinged, yaller hound. 



AM I INTRUDING? 91 



Hoover. 
{Jumping up angrily, shouts.) 
Why, you — (Starts toward Jerry.) 

Jerry. 
{Quietly draws a small blue-steel automatic.) 
Sit down, you. Sit down and let's have a quiet 
little talk. No use gettin' excited. 

Hoover. 

{Scared.) 

Why, you big boob, don't fool with that thing. 

It's dangerous. 

Jerry. 

Bet yer sweet collar button it is. Sit down! 

{Motions with gun to chair.) 

Hoover. 
{Sits.) 
Put that thing away. It might go off. 

Jerry. 
Ye're dern right, it might. 

Jane enters, left. 

Hoover. 

{Quickly.) 

Miss Harbison, run for help. Quick ! This maniac 

has a gun. 

Jane. 

{Pleasantly.) 

Yes, I know. I loaned it to him. 

Earnest enters, left, with Mrs. Hastings on his 
trail. 

Mrs. Hastings. 
Good evening;. 



92 AM I INTRUDING? 

Hoover. 
^ J {In warning.) 

Mrs. Hastings. 
{Coming center.) 
What's the matter? 

Earnest. 

{Follows quichly behind Mrs. Hastings, catches her 

arms and pinions them behind her back.) 

All rie^ht, Jane. 

^ ' Jane. 

{Comes down quickly, pulls spread from table and 

binds it around Mrs. Hastings's wmst, 

pinioning her arms.) 

Stand still. Be quiet, Mrs. Hastings. Don't 

struggle, and you won't be hurt. We're just taking 

a little pr'ecaution. (Jerry keeps Hoover covered.) 

Mrs. Hastings. 

{Very much frightened.) 

I'll be quiet. ^ 

liiARNEST. 

{Gets small arm chair from right of table and brings 
it dozen stage a little.) 
Sit down, Mrs. Hastings. 

(Mrs. Hastings sits.) 
Jane. 
Now for her feet, Earnest. 

Earnest. 
{Ties Mrs. Hastings's feet together with a cord 
which he takes from his pocket.) 
Sorry to have to treat a woman like this, by jove. 

Hoover. 
{Blustering.) 
Sav, what's the bier idea? 



AM I INTRUDING? 93 



Jerry. 
Don't get impatient, buddy. Your turn's next. 

Hoover. 
What do you want? 

Jerry. 
In a minute. Jane, just slip a double hitch around 
this guy, will ye. Stand up! {Takes coil of rope 
from pocket. Hoover rises. Jane comes down 
quickly, and ties Hoover around the waist, binding 
his arms.) Don't move, and don't try to holler. A 
sudden noise would make me nervous, and I've got 
my finger on the trigger. 

Hoover. 
{Sullenly.) 
I'm not making any noise. All I want to know 
is, what you want with us. 

(Earnest ties Hoover's feet together at the ankles 
with another cord.) 

Jerry. 
Earnest, git a chair for Mr. Hoover. Slide it 
under him. Then we kin have a cozy little chat, by 
heck. (Earnest, who has gotten the other chair, 
slides it under Hoover, who is left of Mrs. Hast- 
ings.) Squat! (Hoover sits, quickly and nervous- 
ly. Jane crosses and stands watching off left. 
Earnest crosses and stands watching off right. 
Jerry stands.) Now to business. Mr. Hoover, 
you have notes of Mr. Vare's. They come due to- 
morrow, and you're going to press him. 

Hoover. 
( Quickly. ) 
I'll give him more time. 



94 AM I INTRUDING? 



Jerry. 
That's gol dern sweet of you. But I'll just take 
care of them notes myself. Somehow I don't just go 
by what you say. Got 'em on ye.'^ 

Hoover. 
No. (Snaps.) 

Jerry. 

Earnie, jest go through Mr. Hoover's pockets and 

find them notes. „ 

Earnest. 

(Crosses to Hoover, and goes through his pockets.) 

The pleasure is all mine. (Finds a wallet, and 

takes out notes.) Ah, heah they are. (Jerry takes 

them and puts them in his pocket). 

Hoover. 
(Blustering.) 
Say, this is going to cost you something. 

Jerry. 
I'm always willin' to pay for my fun, buddy. Now, 
you can't present them notes to-morrow when you 
ain't got 'em, kin ye? And maybe me and the notes 
ain't goin' to be here then. Now for the important 
part of this little drammer, and that's the stocks. 
Mr. Hoover, why are you so dern anxious to buy 
them stocks ? Speak up, and dern quick ! Mr. Vare 
is goin' to be my father-in-law, and I ain't a-goin' to 
see him done by no sharper. 

Hoover. 
Ho! That's it, eh? 

Jerry. 
Yep, that's it. Now, cough up the secret of them 
Bluebird stocks, and cough dern quick! 



AM I INTRUDING? 95 



Earnest. 

{Blandly.) 

That's the ideah ! 

Jane. 
iLxactlv. 



(Hoover laughs sarcastically.) 
Jerry. 



Hurry up ! 


Mrs. Hastings. 






Tell him, Blair. 


Hoover. 






Shut up ! 


{Angrily.) 
Mrs. Hastings. 






I won't shut up! I'm sick of this 


business 


, any- 


way. I don't trust you. 








Jerry. 








{Heartily.) 






That's the talk 


. Tell us all about it, Mrs. 


Hast- 


ings. 


Hoover. 






If you do — 


{Threatening.) 







Jane. 

{Interrupting quietly.) 
Don't let him intimidate you, Mrs. Hastings. If 
you do tlie right thing you will be protected. Is the 
Bluebird stock valuable.^ 



Yes. 


Mrs. Hastings. 




Hoover. 


That's a lie ! 


{Snarls.) 




Mrs. Hastings. 




{To Jerry.) 


It's the truth. 


Tell Mr. Vare not to sell, 



96 AM I INTRUDING? 

Jerry. 
{S 'peaks rapidly till curtain.) 
Hooray ! That's all I want to know now. I've 
got to catch the seven-fifteen to the city. I'd like to 
let you go, Mrs. Hastings, but we'll keep ye here 
until midnight. I may be back by then, and I mtay 
not. All depends. But the folks'll be in on the one- 
thirty. Earnie, take this {gives gun). Use it if you 
have to. Better just gag 'em {ties handkerchief 
over Hoover's mouth) ^ in case they take a notion to 
yip too loud. Little Frenchy is upstairs. We don't 
want to disturb her slumbers. (Jane ties Earnest's 
handkerchief over Mrs. Hastings's mouth.) Now, 
Jane, you've got the big scene for your story. 

Jane. 

You bet. {Picks up her pad and pencil, and sits 

on settee.) 

Jerry. 



All set.? 
Yes. 



Jane. 



Jerry. 
Go! {Dashes out right door.) 

(Jane writes rapidly. Earnest sits in big chair 
doxvn right, alertly holding pistol pointed at 
Hoover.) 

Curtain. 



AM I INTRUDING? 



The Third Act. 
The scene is the same. The time is past midnight. 

The rise of the curtain reveals Hoover, Mrs. 
Hastings, Earnest and Jane, all fast asleep, in 
different funny positions. Hoover and Mrs. Hast- 
ings are hound to their chairs as at the close of the 
Second Act. Jane is half reclining on the settee down 
left, with writing pad in hand and loose sheets of 
paper scattered at her feet. Earnest is in the big 
chair down right, unconsciously holding the gun in a 
funny position under his nose. The handkerchief 
gags have fallen loose. 

Hoover snores softly. Then Mrs. Hastings 
snores; then Earnest; then Jane. Differentiate the 
snores, for comedy. When the curtain is full up and 
the scene has had a chance to register on the audi- 
ence. Hoover suddenly gives a loud snort, xvhich 
wakes them all up with a start. 
Earnest. 
{Just coming to.) 
Oh, jes. Exactly. I think so, too. Ah — you 

were savins; .^^ 

^ ^ Jane. 

{Dazed.) 

I beg your pardon .^ Oh, I was saying — it must 

be nearly time for the folks to be here. Don't you 

think so? {Sees papers, and gathers them up.) You 

were asleep. • 

Earnest. 

I.'^ Not at all. Heard every word you said. 

Jane. 

What did I say.? 

97 



98 AM I INTRUDING? 



Earnest. 
Oh, that — ah — really — ah — I don't remember the 
— ah — exact words. 

Hoover. 
(Disgusted.) 
Be quiet. Let me sleep, or undo these cords. 
They're cutting my ankles. 

Earnest. 
Sorry, but you will have to endure it for a while 
longer, I fancy. ^^^^^^^ 

(Sneering, to Mrs. Hastings.) 
You're a nice faithful friend, you are. 

Mrs. Hastings. 
(Angrily.) 
Don't blame me. It's your own fault. I've done 
enough for you, but you didn't appreciate it. 

Hoover. 

{Hotly.) 

Just wait till I'm out of this. I'll make some one 

dance a iisc. t^ 

•^ ^ Earnest. 

Jigs — ah — are awfully out of date, old fellow. 

Hoover. 

Is that so? Well, I'll revive a few. How does 

that strike you? ^ 

Earnest. 

Make it something modern, old dear. 

Jane. 
(Suddenly.) 
What time is it.? 

Earnest. 
. (Looking at watch.) 
The train is in. It's one-thirty. 



AM I INTRUDING? 99 



MoNA enters left. 

MONA. 

( Curiously. ) 

Ah! Oh, what is eet? A play? {Frightened.) 

Oh, mon Dieu ! 

-„ . . Hoover. 

Be quiet. 

MONA. 

It eez a game, yes? {Sees Earnest's gun, and 
screams.) Oh, oh! Take eet away! For why you 
have zat? {Points to gun.) 

Jane. 
Be quiet, Mona. There is nothing to be afraid 
of. Mr. Hoover and Mrs. Hastings will soon be re- 
leased from their unpleasant predicament. 

MoNA. 

{Puzzled.) 
I do not un'erstan' ! Tell me somesing. 

Hoover. 
Be quiet, I tell you. My head aches. Mr. Vare 
will be home in a few moments, and then somebody 
will have to answer, believe me! 

MoNA. 

{Casually.) 
Oui. I wait to undress ze ladies. (Margie, Vi 
and Dora laugh, off right.) Ah, zey are here. 
]Margie, Vi and Dora enter, right. Their three 
speeches are all given together as they come in. 
Margie. 
( Entering. ) 
It was, I tell you. 

Dora. 
It wath not. iEntering.) 



100 AM I INTRUDING? 

Vi. 

No such thing. ^ ^ ering.) 

{They see Hoover and Mrs, Hastings, and all to- 
gether say "O/i/") 

Vare enters, right, with Dickie and Peter. 

T^ , , , Margie. 

Daddy ! 

Vare. 

{Astonished.) 

What does this mean, Jane.? 

Hoover. 
{Angrily.) 
Release me. Cut these cords! 

Earnest. 

^, .. . {To Jane.) 

Shall we.? 

Jane. 

Yes. Uncle is here now. I guess Jerry didn't 

'jome. -r. 

Dickie. 

{Untying Hoover.) 

What kind of a game is this? 

Peter. 

{Untying Mrs. Hastings.) 

Gee! Was it burglars.? 

Hoover. 

It was that hick, Jerry. But just wait. 

Vare. 

{Amazed.) 

Jerry.? Why did he do this.? 

Jane. 

To save you, uncle. Playing for time to meet the 

notes due to-day. 



AM I INTRUDING? 101 

Dickie. 

{Discreetly.) 
Excuse me ; this seems to be a family matter. Come 
on, Pete. See you later, folks. {Exits, left.) 

Peter. 
(All curiosity.) 
Oh, gee, let's stay. 

Dora. 
Not me. (Gives Mona a significant look and 
exits, left, folloived hy Mona.) 

Vi. 

Well, this is a situation. Where's Jerry .^ 

Gone to the cit3^ 

Vare. 
(Distressed.) 
Jerry has meddled in what doesn't concern him. 
Marjory, Violet, go to your rooms. 

Margie. 
Oh, let me stay, dad. 

Vare. 
No. 

Margie. 

Mrs. Hastings, come with us. We would like a 

little luncheon. I'm too excited to sleep. 

Peter. 
(Thrilled.) 
Gee, I couldn't sleep. What did Jerry do It for? 

Margie. 
(Crossing left.) 
We'll be in the breakfast room, Mrs. Hastings. 
(Exits left.) 



102 AM I INTRUDING? 



Mrs. Hastings. 
Very well. (Exits left.) 

Vi. 

(Eagerly.) 
Come on, Jane. Tell us all about it. 



It's too late. 



Jane. 



Vi. 

Why it's early — only about two o'clock in the 

morning. Come on! Come on, Petie. (Vi and 

Jane exeunt, left.) 

Peter. 

Come on, Earnest. Gee, I wish I'd been here. 

When did it happen.? Come on, tell us all about it. 

What's Jerry's big idea? (Puts his arm through 

Earnest's, and exits, left, with Earnest.) 

Vare. 

(After watching thein go.) 

Now, Mr. Hoover, what happened.? 

Hoover. 

(Angrily.) 

You see what happened. At the point of a gun, 

that hick held me up — bound and gagged us — and 

stole the notes. ,r 

Vare. 

(Not excited.) 
What.? Ah, I see; trying to help me, by disap- 
pearing with the notes. Well, that does delay pro- 
ceedings, doesn't it. You can't ask me to pay you 
unless you have the notes to present for cancellation, 
can you (smiling), Mr. Hoover.? 

Hoover. 
No, I can't. But I can swear out a warrant for 
the arrest of that fellow. I'll send him to prison. 



AM I INTRUDING? 103 

Where is Jerry? 

Jerry enters, right, in time to hear the question. 

Jerry. 
(Brightly.) 
Here I am, Mr. Vare. Am I Intruding? (Grins.) 
Here are the notes, Mr. Vare ; and here is the money 
to meet them. {Gives notes and check to Vare.) 

Vare. 
(In astonishment.) 
Jerry ! Where did you get this ? 

Jerry. 

(Proudly.) 

In the city. Saw my old dad and made him cough 

up, by heck. ,, 

^ -^ Vare. 

Jerry, I can't accept this. 

Jerry. 
Ye got to. Ain't ye goin' to be my father-in- 
law ? Dad's comin' up to-morrow and there'll be some 
reunion — mebbe a weddin'. 

Vare. 
(Looking at check.) 
Jerry, I don't know what to say — 

Jerry. 
(Embarrassed, interrupts.) 
Then don't say it. Just pay that skunk and let 

^ * Peter enters left. 

Peter. 
Jerry! (Calls off.) Kids, here's Jerry. (Crosses 
and shakes hands with Jerry.) Where you been, 
Jerry ? 



104 AM I INTRUDING? 

Jerry. 
I've ben to the city. 

Vare. 
Mr. Hoover, here is a check on the Greenwich 
bank, New York, to cover the notes. (Gives check.) 
I guess that's all right. 

Hoover. 

Yes, that's all right. Now, will you sell me that 

stock .^ ,^ 

Vare. 

Yes, I'll let you have it. 

Jerry. 
(Quickly.) 
Oh, no you won't, father-in-law. 

Vare. 
What do you mean.^ 

Hoover. 

(Out of patience.) 

Say, young fellow, I was inclined to let you off 

easy. But if you keep butting in I'll make you wish 

you were back home feeding pigs and chickens. See.^^ 

^^ 1 . , Jerry. 

1 ou bet 1 see. 

Vare. 

It's all right, Jerry. I'll let him have the stock. 

I must have money. I made a last effort to raise it 

in the city to-night, but failed. The stock must go. 

Jerry. 

(Calmly.) 

Then I'll take it. 

Vare. 

_- ^ (Amazed.) 

You? ^ ^ 



AM I INTRUDING? 105 



\ 



Hoover. 
Huh! (Sneering.) 

Jerry. 
(Taking a newspaper out of his pocket.) 
Here's the early edition of the Tribune. (Opens 
newspaper and points.) Read that. 

Vare. 

(Snatches paper, and reads.) 

Good Lord! ^ 

Jerry. 

I guess the Bluebird stock has gone up, eh, father- 
in-law.? _, 

Vare. 

(Giving Hoover the paper.) 
Read that. Hoover. 

Hoover. 
(Glances at it.) 
It's all off. (To Jerry.) You're darn slick, ain't 
you, sonny ! (Sneering.) 

Jerry. 
Couldn't be no slicker. When you city jays think 
you're going to put it all over a country boy, guess 
again, 'cause ye ain't. See.^^ 

Vare. 

You knew the value of those stocks all the time, 

eh. Hoover.? ^^ 

Hoover. 

Sure I did. That's business. 

Jerry. 

Pretty rotten business. 

Absolutely. 



106 AM I INTRUDING? 

Hoover. 
Well, I've lost. But (to Jerry, with malicious 
meaning), I owe you something, sonny. 

Jerry. 
I never expect to git it if you owe it, mister. 

Hoover. 
This is one debt I'm going to pay. 

Jerry. 
If ye do I'll drive a nail in it and keep it for a 
soovyneer. - 

(With cool finality.) 
I'll bid you good-night, Mr. Hoover. (Exits 

Hoover. 
(Curtly.) 
Good-night, Vare. 

Jerry. 
(Going left.) 
See ye later, mister. 

Hoover. 
( Grimly. ) 
You bet you will. And I'll have a surprise for 

you. -r 

•^ Jerry. 

(Indifferently.) 
Ah, put a feather in it and keep it to shoo the 
flies with. (Exits left. Change costume.) 

Peter. 
(Laughs.) 
Ha, ha! (Exits after Jerry, left.) 

(Hoover takes a quick turn up stage and bacJc^ in 
great anger.) 



AM I INTRUDING? 107 

Mrs. Hastings enters left, 

Mrs. Hastings. 
(Quickly.) 
What has he done.? 

Hoover. 
What has who done.^^ 

■rr Mrs. Hastings, 

Vare. 

Hoover. 

Done me, I guess. 

Mrs. Hastings, 
He paid the notes .^^ 

^^ Hoover. 

Yes. 

Mrs. Hastings. 
And the stock.? 

Hoover. 
Say, Why do you have to speak of that stock.? 

Mrs. Hastings. 
The}^ would have found out if I hadn't told. I 
wasn't going to endanger my life. 

Bah! . H°°^^"- 

Mrs. Hastings. 
Well, one never knows what a crazy boy might do. 

Hoover. 
Your cold feet cost me something. 

Mrs. Hastings. 
I'm sorry, Blair. 

Hoover. 
What good does that do.? 



108 AM I INTRUDING? 

Mrs. Hastings. 
What are your plans? 

Hoover. 
My plans are to get out of here as soon as I can. 
Get my stuff together for me, will you.'' 

Mrs. Hastings. 
I'll be ready when you are. 

Hoover. 
You'll be ready? 

Mrs. Hastings. 
Yes. 

Hoover. 
Don't make me laugh. 

Mrs. Hastings. 
You're not going to leave me, Blair? 

Hoover. 
Well, I should say lam going to leave you. 

Mrs. Hastings. 
You are? 

Hoover. 
I am. 

Mrs. Hastings. 
How about the money I gave you? 

Hoover. 

(Smiling.) 

You gave it to me, didn't you ? You don't want 

it back, do you? 

Mrs. Hastings. 

( Quietly. ) 

I'll get your things ready for you. When will 

you leave? -^j 

'^ Hoover. 

I can't go until the six o'clock. 



AM I INTRUDING? 109 



Mrs. Hastings. 
All right. {Exits right.) 

MoNA enters quickly, left. 

MONA. 

{Going to Hoover.) 
Well, it is all good, eh.? You get ze stock.? We 
blow ze coop, eh, what.? You tell ze old tabby cat 
ze one beeg joke.'^ 

Hoover. 
Oh, yes, I told her. 

MoNA. 

When we go, eh.? 

Hoover. 
On the six o'clock. 

MoNA. 

No sleep for me, it is so excite. To-morrow — non 

— to-day it ees. I shall be in la bonne city. To zis 

place {blows kiss), good night! Now you get ze 

stock, I get ze sealskin wrap, eh? {Puts her arm 

throuQ-h his.) ,,. 

° ^ Hoover. 

Maybe you do. 

MONA. 

Maybee.? Why you say maybee — {Steps back and 
looks at him) — so fonnee.? You promise me ze seal- 
skin. {Indignantly.) 

Hoover. 
Well, I guess that's scratched, kid. 

MONA. 

Scratch.? What you mean, scratch.? 

Hoover. 
Nothing doing on the sealskin. 



no AM I INTRUDING? 



MONA. 

(Aghast.) 
Nossing doing? You scratch ze sealskin? I 
scratch you. (Getting excited.) 

Hoover. 
( Uneasily. ) 
Hold on ; wait a minute. 

MONA. 

(Hands on hips.) 
I hold on. I wait. Come across. (Holds out 
hand, rubbing fingers together.) 

Hoover. 
The stock is all flooey. 

T^i o MONA. 

Floo^^.^ 

Hoover. 
Yes ; no stock. I didn't get it. Vare wouldn't sell. 

MONA. 

(Nonplussed.) 
No stock? What you — do now? 

Hoover. 
(Sotirly.) 
Go to work, I guess. 

MoNA. 

You have no monee? 

Hoover. 
Of course I have — some. 

MoNA. 

For ze sealskin? 

Hoover. 
Nothing doing on the sealskin. 



AM I INTRUDING? lU 

MONA. 

You have monee to buy ze stock ? 

Hoover. 
Not enough. Mrs. Hastings was going to give 
me the rest. ^^ 

MONA. 

You are one poor man ; what you call — bum. 

Hoover. 
(Putting his arm around her.) 
Now don't be mad, kid. 

Mrs. Hastings enters right, sees them and shows 
surprise and anger. 

Mrs. Hastings. 
{Coming center.) 
So — this is your game ! 

MoNA. 

{Angrily.) 
What you mean, game.? You sneer at me.? 

Mrs. Hastings. 
I don't blame you. You don't know this man. 

MONA. 

Oh! Do not know.? / do not know zis man.? Oh, 
it is to scream! {Laughs.) 

Mrs. Hastings. 
I am engaged to marry him. 

Mona. 
You marree heem.? You marree — my husban'.? 

^ & V Mrs. Hastings. 

{In amazement.) 
Your husband! 



112 AM I INTRUDING? 



Hoover. 
( Pretending indifference. ) 
That's right. Mona's my wife. 

Mrs. Hastings. 
{Pauses in astonishment.) 
And you dared make love to me ! You deceived 
me — 

MONA. 

( Interrupting. ) 

Oh, don't feel so bad. (Shrugs shoulders.) You 

can have heem. ^_ 

Hoover. 

(Angrily.) 

Where do you get that stuff! 

MONA. 

( Indifferently^. ) 
I don' want heem. I have heem for six years. 
(Shrugs shoulders.) He ees no good. He deceive 
me. He s'ay he soon have lots of mon^^, I shall have 
diamon' — sealskin. He one beeg bluff. I work. I 
earn my own sealskin. (Hands on hips.) 

Mona! ^°°^'^''- 

MONA. 

(Deliberately.) 
Oh, you mak' me seek! (To Mrs. Hastings.) 
You take heem. I don' want heem. 

Mrs. Hastings. 

(Emphatically.) 

Neither do I. 

Mona. 

(Laughing.) 

You poor man. You are not want'. You flooee. 



AM I INT R UDING? 113 

Mrs. Hastings. 

(To Hoover.) 

Your clothes are packed. {Turns quickly and 

exits, left.) -.. 

' ^ ^ MONA. 

Take your clo'es and go. {Laughs.) No seal- 
skin — no Mona. {Tauntingly blozes a kiss to him, 

and exits, left.) 

Hoover. 

The Httle devil! {Exits right.) 

Dora runs on from left, followed hy Dickie. 

Dora. 
Ithn't it too ecthiting for anything .^ I don't 
believe anybody will go to thleep to-night. {Sits in 
big chair at right.) 

Dickie. 
Gee, I'm dying for a cigaret. 

Dora. 

{With upraised forefinger.) 

Dickie, you promithed. Pleathe don't. Thiat'th 

what they all do — promith, but never keep their 

word. ^ 

Dickie. 

{Jealously.) 

All do.? What do you mean, all.? 

Dora. 
Why — Georgie, and — {counts on fingers) — 
Tubby — and Ned — and Freddie — and Jack — and- — 

Dickie. 
{Smiling in chagrin.) 
Never mind, I'll take your word for the rest. Did 
they all fall as easily as I did.? 



114 AM I INTRUDING? 

Dora. 
Oh, yeth. But it'th different with you, Dickie. 
(Sentimentally/.) You are my ideal. 

Dickie. 
The very latest pattern in ideals. (Strikes atti- 
tude, and laughs.) Doe, you're a mighty nice kid. 
Do you know it? (Dora shyly nods her head yes.) 

She does know it? 

Dora. 

(Looking innocent.) 

They all tell me that. 

Dickie. 
They do? W'ell, to show you that I do care — for 
your thake, I will thtop thmoking thigaretth. 

Dora. 

(Happily.) 

Dickie! You're a dear. Come, let uth go out on 

the veranda and watch the thun rithe. (Crosses up 

right.) ^ 

^ ^ Dickie. 

(Crossing up right.) 

Dora, do you object if I chew a little gum? 

Dora. 

(Taking his arm and going with him.) 

Thtop being thilly ! 

(Dickie and Dora, laughing, exeunt together, 

right. ) 

Peter enters left, goes right, and sits in big chair. 
Vi follows him. 

Vi. 

(As she enters.) 
Peter, I swear! Good gracious — you've got me 
swearing and everything, and even then you're not 



AM I INTRUDING? 115 

satisfied. Peter dear, I solemnly swear, by my cat's 

cufFs, I won't flirt the least little bit, cross my heart, 

liver and lifijhts. ^ 

"^ Peter. 

(Pessimistically^.) 

Oh, you just kid about it. 

Vi. 

No I don't, Petie. I mean it. And if anyone 

writes you that they saw Violet Vare going around 

with blinders on, you'll know I'm trying to make my 

eyes behave. ^ 

-^ Peter. 

(Gruffly, to hide his embarrassment.) 

Well, here's the ring. {Crosses to her, taking ring 

from pocket and awkwardly holding it out tc her.) 

Vi. 

{Thrilled.) 

Oh, Petie! {Takes ring.) I've seen this before 

— why {suspiciously), this is the ring Mabel Gray 

wore — _, 

Peter. 

{Interrupts.) 

No, it isn't. I swapped that for this. {Puts ring 

on Vi's finger.) ^ 

Isn't it peachy ! Oh, I remember it now. It's the 
one Ruth Ray gave back to Teddy Arlington. 

Peter. 
Sure. I swapped the one Mabel gave back to me 
for this. y 

{Delighted.) 
Oh, won't Mabel be wild! 



116 AM I INTRUDING? 

Peter. 
(Wisely.) 
Guess she'll wish she hadn't broken our engage- 
ment. ,, 

Vi. 

It's a perfectly glorious ring; the prettiest one 

I ever had. ^ 

Teter. 

(ProudUj.) 

It's the prettiest I ever gave any girl. 

Vi. 

Petie, you're a darling, and I hope our engage- 
ment lasts a long time. Let's go out on the veranda 
and see the sun rise. (Puts her arm through his and 
leads him up right.) 

Peter. 

All right; may as well wait up for breakfast now. 

Vi. 

Isn't it a thrilling experience! 

Peter. 
(Affecting boredom.) 
Oh, I've had thrillinger ones. 

Vi. 
Have you, Petie? Come on and tell me all about 
them. 

( Vi and Peter exeunt, arm in arm, right.) 

Margie enters, left, followed by Vare and Mrs. 
Hastings. 

Margie. 
(Crossing right.) 
It's too bad, Mrs. Hastings, that you ever allowed 
yourself to be interested in such a man. (Crosses 
right.) 



AM I INTRUDING? 117 

Vare. 
(Crossing right.) 
Yes, but we all make mistlakes. You needn't leave 
here until you have found another place. 

Margie. 
You needn't go at all, for that matter. 

Mrs. Hastings. 

(Gratefully.) 

Thank you. I will stay and try to prove how 

much I appreciate your consideration, I don't know 

w^hy I was led to do such a thing, or — why I — cared 

for him. ,, 

Vare. 

When a woman is infatuated — er — 

Margie. 
(F^inishing it for him.) 
They say love is blind. 

Vare. 

(Looking at Margie.) 

I believe it. , , 

Margie. 

Oh, don't look at me. I'm not as blind as I — 

seem to be. (Smiles.) 

Vare. 
Well, it's not the clothes that make the man. 

Margie. 
No, it isn't — when one loves. 

Mrs. Hastings. 
( Who has remained near left door. ) 
I'll retire now, if I may. 

Certainly. 



m AM I INTRUDING? 

Mrs. Hastings. 
(Starting to go.) 

Thank you. ,, 

'^ Vare. 

(With a sudden thought.) 
Oh, Mrs. Hastings, please send Mona to me. 

Mrs. Hastings. 
Yes, Mr. Vare. (Ea:its left.) 

Vare. 
Miargie, aren't you going to bed.^ 

Margie. 
(Brightly.) 
What's the use.^^ May as well wait for breakfast 
now. Besides I have an engagement with Jerry to 
sit out on the veranda and see the sun rise. 

Vare. 
(Shaking his head.) 
I can't make you out. Jerry is a good fellow ; a 
splendid fellow. But Marjory, he is uncouth, a coun- 
try clown, uneducated — 

Margie. 
I love him, dad. You know (smiling) clothes 
don't make the man. 

Mona enters, left. 

Mona. 
(To Vare.) 

You send for me? If you discharge me (smiles), 
I queet. I come to tell you I go as soon as ze day- 
light come. ,^ 
^ Vare. 

(Crossing to table.) 
Are you leaving with your husband .^^ (Sits, takes 
out check book and fountain pen.) 



AM I INTRUDING? 119 



MONA. 

My husban' — he go — floo^^. He is — bad business 

man. I adore clevair men. My husban' is a becg 

boob. I mus' lose heem. 

Vare. 

(Writing check.) 

This will cover what I owe you. (Gives Mona the 

check. ) 

Mona. 

Je vous remercie, Meestaire Vare. You will not 

geeve recommend, non.? I shall not ask. It would 

be too fonnee. I weesh you a good morning. 

(Laughs and exits left.) 

Good-bye. 

Margie. 
Can you beat that.^ 

-r , Vare. 

1 cannot. 

Jane enters, left. She is radiating happiness. 

Jane. 

Uncle — Margie — congratulate me. I am going to 

be married. ,^ 

Vare. 

What? (Surprised.) 

Margie. 
(Amazed.) 
Jane Harbison ! Married ? 

Jane. 
( Calmly. ) 
Yes, married. What is there so strange about 
that announcement.? 

Margie. 
But you always said — 



120 AM I INTRUDING? 



Jane. 

{Interrupting.) 
Yes, I know — but that was before I met Earnest. 

-n, ^ . Margie. 

Earnest : 

T^ i 2 Vare. 

Earnest.'' 

Jane. 

Earnest. " (^«'^^»?-) 

Vare. 
You're not joking.^ 

Certainly not. 

Vare. 
You know nothing about him. 

On, yes 1 do. 

Margie. 
But your writing.'^ 

Jane. 
I shall live my romance. 

Margie. 
{Embracing her.) 
How perfectly ripping. 

Vare. 

{Crossing to Jane.) 

I congratulate you, my dear, and sincerely hope 

you have chosen wisely. Earnest appears to be a 

very nice fellow. But wait a little while. Don't 

be in a hurry. Where is Earnest .^^ 

Earnest enters, left, 

Jane. 
He's coming. {Sees Earnest.) Earnest {takes 
his hand). I have told uncle and Margie. 



AM I INTRUDING? 122 

Earnest. 
{Crossing to Vare.) 
Bj jove! Really — ah — I should have come to you 
at once, sir — but Jane preferred to tell you herself, 
and — ^r 

VARE. 

{Meeting Earnest.) 
I wish you every happiness, my boy. But think it 
over. {Shakes Earnest's hand.) 

Jane. 

Uncle {pause). Am I such a risk that he must 

think it over? ,, 

Margie. 

Oh, the idea. ^ ^ ^ 

Earnest. 

It isn't necessary to think it oveh, sir. I shall 
make Jane happy, because I shall devote myself to 
doing so. And I can take care of her as you would 
wish her to be taken care of. To-morrow — to-day, 
ratheh — I shall tell you more — ah — about myself. 

Vare. 
Very well, my boy. 

, Margie. 

Jane. 

Jane. 

{Who has crossed toward right door, stops.) 

Yes.? 

Margie. 

How about the poor old world? 

Jane. 
The world.? I don't understand. 

Margie. 
Where will it slip to, when you have ceased to 
"uplift".? 



m AM I INTRUDING? 

Jane. 
We sha'n't forget the world — shall we, Earnest? 

Earnest. 
Never — ah — that is, not all together. We shall 
not let it forget us entirely. 

That's good. ^^''^• 

„ ^ „ Jane. 

Earnest r 

^^ , , Earnest. 

1 es, my dean. 

Jane. 

Let us go out on the veranda and see the sun rise. 

(Earnest crosses quickly to Jane, and they exeunt 
arm in arm, right.) 

Vare. 
Well, well. Will surprises never cease .^ 

Margie. 
{Gayly.) 
It's been a great day, hasn't it, dad.^^ 

Vare. 
I don't want many like it. 

Margie. 
{Caressing Vare's shoulder.) 
Dad, now honestly, isn't Jerry wonderful? 

Vare. 
Well, he has certainly changed this day for me. 
Indeed, he has changed my entire future. 

xxTx. X i.- • -4.0 Margie. 
What tmae is it? 

Vare. 

{Looks at his watch.) 

Five o'clock. 



AM I INTRUDING? 123 

Margie. 
{Taking his arm.) 
A new day is dawning, dad. 

Vare. 
A new day has dawned for me, my dear. 
MoNA, dressed for street and carrying handbag, en- 
ters left in time to hear him speak. 

MONA. 

Ze day, he dawn; I am on my way. 

,, . T Vare. 

My girl — 

^ . ' -, Mona. 

Oui, monsieur r 

Vare. 
How old are you.? 

Mona. 
Oh, monsieur! You are not gallant. You ask ze 
lady his age. Oh ! 

Vare. 
You seem very young to — 
Mona. 
( Quickly. ) 
To be vaaiVYee? I was young when I marr^^, but 
I now am oP enough to know. It ces a much plenty. 
I go back to Parec — to my mozaire. My husban', 
he is a beeg — what you call — "tin leezee" — a flivair. 
Margie. 
{Laughing.) 
Oh, you funny little thing. 
Mona. 
It ees quite so, Meess Margie. I am fonnee. I 
laugh, ha-ha! Life, he ees — a bubble. Going up — 
up^ — zen — squasli! (Slaps hands together.) We 
take ze air. 



124 AM I INTRUDING? 

Vare. 
(Taking her hcnd.) 
Well, good-bye. I'm glad you are going homo. 
You need your mother. 

MONA. 

My mozaire — he need me. You are ver' kind. 

Margie. 
{Extending her hand.) 
Good-bye, Mona. I shall miss you, you are al- 
ways so happy. (Holds out hand.) 

MoNA. 

(Sadly, as she takes Margie's hand.) 
Ah, I know ze tear. He is always just behind ze 
laugh. (Takes a deep breath.) Adieu. (Exits 
quickly, right.) ^^^^^^^ 

(Looking after her.) 
Poor little thing. 

Vare. 
A strange little woman. 

Margie. 
Why didn't we keep her.^ 

Vare. 
No, this is no place for her. 

Mrs. Hastings enters, left, 
Mrs. Hastings. 
Breakfast will be served in ten minutes, sir. 

Vare. 
Very well, Mrs. Hastings. Oh, Mrs. Hastings, did 
Mona have breakfast before she left? 

]Mrs. Hastings. 
Yes, sir. 

^, . , Vare. 

That's good. 



AM I INTRUDING? 125 



Margie. 
I'll call the folks when you ring. 

Mrs. Hastings. 

Yes, miss. (Exits Uft.) 

Dora comes in the right door, followed hy Dickie. 

Dora. 

Oh, I'm tho thleepy and hungry. 

_-. , Dickie. 

Here too. 

Margie. 

Well, breakfast will soon be served. 

Vi enters right. 

Vi. 

( Yawning. ) 
Oh, gosh. I've got to hit the hay pretty soon. 
I'm all in. 

Peter enters right. 

Dickie. 
Why, you slept all morning, Vi. Isn't it so, Pete.^ 

Peter. 

(Crossly.) 
Oh, shut up. 

Dora. 
And Petie had hith armth around her in a thweet 
embrathe. y 

Yes, and Petie l>ad to holler and wake me up. 

Peter. 
Well, your head was pressing my scarfpin into my 
chest. Anyone would holler. 

(All the others laugh.) 



126 AM r INTRUDING? 



Vaee. 
(Amused.) 
Well, how was the sunrise? 

Dora, Peter, \i and Dickie. 

(All together.) 

Wonderful ! 

VI. 

And Jane and Earnest engaged. Can you feature 

that.? -^ 

Dickie. 

Some week-end ! ^ 

Dora. 

(SMJi,.) 

Mr. Vare, Dickie and I are engaged. 

Good Lord ! ' * 

Dora. 
( Enthused. ) 
Yeth, and he'th thtopped thmoking thigaretth be- 
cauthe mother detethtth thigaretth. 

(All laugh.) 

Vare. 
(Heartily.) 
Well, young folks, I wish you all joy. And I wish 
time could roll backward for me. But I'm as 
happy to-day as any old fellow of my age could ex- 
pect to be. 

Jane and Earnest enter right. 

All. 
( Together. ) 
How did you enjoy the sunrise.? 

Jane and Earnest. 

Wonderful! (Together.) 



AM I INTRUDING? 127 



"Dickie. 
Where's Jerry? 

{The following remarks, preceding Jerry's en- 
trance, are all spoken together, to cause just a mo- 
ment of confused talk.) 

Vare. 
That's so. Where is the boy? 

DOEA. 

He theemth to have dithappeared. 

Margie. 
I can't imagine where he is. 

Vi. 

Hasn't anybody seen him? 

Peter. 
Yes, where's Jerry? 

XT • u 4. -^ Jane. 

He isn t outside. 

T- ,, 1 1 .i Earnest. 

Isn t he herer 

As they are speaking Jerry enters left, briskly. 
He has removed his rube zmg and has changed his 
rustic costume for that of a snappy, up-to-the-min- 
ute, carefully dressed young college man. 

Jerry. 

{Gayly.) 

Here I am. {Pauses and grins.) Am I intrud- 

hi£^? 
"^ All. 

Jerry ! _ 

Jerry. 



Sui^e. {Smiling.) 



128 AM I INTRUDING? 





Vi. 


It i s Jerry ! 






DorA. 


For pity thake ! 






Peter. 


What's the idea? 






Vare. 


Jerry ! 






Jane. 


Tell them, Jerry. 





Jerry. 

Forgive me for masquerading, Mr. Vare, but — 

Vare. 

I don't understand. 

Vi. 

(Impatiently.) 

Let him tell us. -r., 

Dora. 

Ithn't he good looking! 

_--. , , Margie. 

Hush ! 

Jerry. 

I owe you an apology for this deception, Mr. Vare. 

I'll explain. You see, I was always bugs about act- 

^^^' Margie. 

Oh! ^ 

Dora. 

An actor! 

On, gee ! 

Vare. 
(To them.) 
Be quiet! (To Jerry.) Go on, son. 

Jerry. 
Well — I was bound I was going into the movies. 

Vi. 
Oh, boy I {Boisterously.) 



AM I INTRUDING? 129 

DORAI. 

^, ^ (Romantically.) 

Iho am 1. 

Vare. 

(To the girls.) 

Will you keep still? 

Jerry. 
Dad wouldn't listen to it. 

Certainly not. 

Vi. 
Why not.'^ It would be ripping. 

Jane. 
I think I shall write for the movies. 

Jerry. 
Dad wanted me to follow his business. 

Vare. 
What is his business, Jerry? 

Jerry. 
He's president of the Standard Electric Company. 

Vare. 
The million-dollar corporation? * 

That's dad. '^''''''^'• 

Vi. 

(With hand to forehead.) 

Good-niffht ! ^ 

" Jerry. 

But I was set on being a movie actor. 

Peter. 
(Inspired.) 
I think I'll be a movie actor. 



130 AM I INTRUDING? ' 

Vi. 

(With finality.) 

I think you won't. 

Jerry. 

(To Vare.) 

Dad and I had a hot argument over it, and I had 

made up my mind to beat it for Los Angeles when 

your letter came. ,_ 

Vare. 

My letter.? What had that to do with it.? 

Jerry. 
You wrote dad that you were worried about an 
investment. You said — wait ; I have your letter here. 
(Takes out letter from pocket.) It says (reads) : 
"Although I can't accuse the fellow, still there is 
something suspicious about his actions regarding the 
stock. I feel there is something queer about the Blue- 
bird Corporation affair and that they are trying to 
freeze out the stockholders, and that this fellow is 
their agent." Well, that letter gave me the big idea. 
I told father I would disguise myself as a green coun- 
try boy to throw the fellow off liis guard, come here 
and try to find out the truth about the stock. 

Txr 1 /. 1 1 * Jane. 

Wonderful ! 

Vi. 

As Mona would say, "some keed!" 



DORAI, 



Ithn't it exthitinir! 



Jerry. 

Well, dad laughed and said I couldn't get away 

with it. I was sure I could, and I told dad that if 

I failed or anyone discovered my disguise, I'd give 

up all idea of a career on the silver sheet. Dad's a 



AM I INTRUDING? 131 

good old scout. He agreed. We shook hands on it. 
Then I beat it to the home of my college chum, my 
bosom pal, and told him of my plan. He was crazy 
to come, too. We were up in the air about a dis- 
guise or some excuse to ring him in. But when we 
reached the city we bought a paper, and there was 
an advertisement for a secretary. 

(Next three speeches are given together.) 
Vi. 



What? 




Merthy ! 
Earnest.? 


Dora. 
Marg-ie. 


Earnest . 


Jane. 



Earnest. 
( Briskly. ) 
Present! (Steps out.) 

.Jerry. 

(Grinning.) 

Eamie, take off the goggles. The scene's over. 

(Earnest takes off his glasses, puts them in his 
pocket.) 

Dickie. 
(Crosses to Earnest, and shakes hands.) 
You got away with it, all right. (Then crosses 
and shakes hands with Jerry.) 

Peter. 

(Eagerly.) 

I'll say you did! (Shakes hands with Earnest 

and Jerry.) 

Vi. 

(Dashing for Jerry.) 

Jerry, you're a darling. (Grabs a hand.) 



n2 AM I INTRUDING? 

Dora. 

(Following Vi's example.) 
It was wonderful. (Grabs his other hand.) 

Jane. 
(Crossing to Earnest, and laughing.) 
I don't know whether I shall forgive you or not. 

Earnest. 
(Gayly.) 
You can't help it, Jane. 

Jane. 
^ , . (Embracing Mm.) 

Oh! ^^^- 

Jane. 
Allow me to announce my engagement. 

Dora. 
Oh, you detheitful thing! (Rushes to Jane, and 
embraces her.) 

Vi. 
Old Wisenheimer! (Rushes to Jane, embraces 
her.) ,- 

^ VARE. 

Well, Jerry, you've won your wager. So I sup- 
pose you will soon be a movie actor. 

Vi. 
(Waving her hand mildly.) 
Hurray, Jerry. Step on the gas, old kid! 

Vare. 
(Sharply.) 
Vi! I'm surprised. 

. Dora, 

A movie hero ! 



AM I INTRUDING? 133 

Vare. 
Jerry, I owe you something; I must reward you. 
What shall I give you? 

Jerry. 
Mr. Vare, give me — Marjory. 

Vare. 
No! Not to a movie actor, Jerry. 

Margie. 
(Crossing to Jerry.) 
I'm sorry dad, but — 

Jerry. 
Oh, but I've changed my mind. I'm going into 
business with father. 

Vare. 
(Holds out hand, which Jerry takes.) 
My boy, I wish you every happiness. 

Jerry. 
(Smiling.) 
Thank you, father-in-law. 

Vare. 
( Laughs. ) 
You put it over on me. 

Vi. 

I'll say he did. 

Jerry. 
And I won a wife as the simple country boy. 

Margie. 
^. ( Mischievously. ) 

Jerry. 
^ P (In surprise.) 



134 AM I INTRUDING? 

Margie. 
{Slowly.) 
I knew you were in disguise — ^^all the time. 

(All gather around Jerry and Margie.) 

Jerry. 



You knew.^ 

Yes. 

How.? 



Margie. 
All. 



Margie. 
{To Jerry.) 
On the day you arrived, I saw your own hair under 
the red wig when we sat on the couch together. 

Vi. 
Then Jerry loses, after all. 

Jerry. 
{Embracing Margie.) 
No, I don't. I win! 

All. 
Oh! {As he embraces Margie.) Are we intrud- 
ing.? 

(All excepting Jerry and Margie turn backs to 
audience. Breakfast bell rings.) 

Curtain. 



Fifty-Fifty 

BY 

Frederick G. Johnson 

A FARCE of love, luck and laughter in 3 acts, by 
the author of "Mary's Millions"; 5 males, 5 fe- 
males. Time, 2^4 hours. Scenes: 2 interiors, an attic 
studio and a bungalow. 

CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY. 

Henry Brown An Artist 

Paul Green An Author 

Patrick O'Malley A Janitor 

Smudge A Valet 

Cap' A Wanderer 

Mrs. Podge A Landlady 

Sophie Bland A Dancer 

May Dexter An Enthusiast 

Mrs. Hawley A Collector 

Josephine A Seeker 

If there be a moral to this merry comedy of compli- 
cations, it is that it is possible to get too much of a 
good thing. Paul and Henry are struggling to achieve 
fame and bread-and-butter money in literature and 
art. Utter failure is their lot until one of Henry's 
paintings, accidentally displayed upside down, is enthu- 
siastically purchased by an art collector, and the "im- 
pressionistic painter" becomes the talk of the town. 
Paul, following the hunch, writes his stories backward, 
and success follows swiftly. But some innocent fibs, 
told for reasons of necessity, reach the newspapers, 
and the pals find themselves headed straight for 
trouble. Their love affairs go awry, and in the pre- 
dicaments which follow as a result of their propensity 
for spinning yarns, they find success an empty thing. 
A woman who claims to be Paul's wife, an elusive van- 
ishing painting, a mysterious sea-faring man, .a med- 
dling landlady, all contribute to the mixup. Of course 
it all comes out happily. 

Professional stage rights reserved and a 
royalty of fifteen dollars required for amateur 
performance. Price, Per Copy, 50 Cents 



T. S. Deilison & Company, Publishers 

623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO 



Mary's Millions 

BY 

Frederick G. Johnson 

A RURAL COMEDY in 3 acts; 5 males, 6 females, 
extras optional. Time, 2 hours. Scenes: 1 interior, 
1 exterior. 

CHARACTERS. 

Jack Henderson A Civil Engineer 

Jimmie Barnes His Friend from New York 

Ezra Stoneham The Village Storekeeper 

Abi ja Boggs A Human Flivver 

Victor de Selles An Imported Product 

Jane Stoneham Ezra's Better Half 

Eudora Smith The Stoneham's Hired Girl 

Lola de Selles Victor's Sister 

Mrs. Mudge Wedded to Her Ouija Board 

Betty Barlow A Country School Teacher 

Mary Manners An Heiress to Millions 

Members of the Choir. 

"When I go after a side partner, she's going to be 
a live-wire lady. No corn-fed beauties for mine." 
"Say — honest — is there anybody in tliis one-horse town 
that has a million dollars?" "I've read books, I have, 
about them slick rascals from the city." "Waitin' 
for the mail? Looks more like waitin' for the female." 
"More city folks, I'll bet a doughnut." "I believe in 
sperrits, but I ain't seen none sense the country went 
dry." "Stop scratchin'! Ain't you got no company 
manners?" "He looks like a head waiter and he 
talks like a bottle of seltzer." "All foreign wild ani- 
mals looks alike to me." "The greatest doin's since 
the mill dam busted." "What's been swiped an' who 
done it?" "Any clues? No, all genuine pearls." "She 
has chain lightning slowed down like the rural free 
delivery." "I foller the deeductive method. I don't 
take no clues off no Fiji board!" "Boy, I sure do 
hate to take you, but I reckon I got to." "Funny 
what a difference just a few millions make." "The 
third degree trimmed with hayseed." "Eudorj% you 
say the durndest things!" 

Professional stage rights reserved and a 
royalty of fifteen dollars required for amateur 
performafice . Price, Per Copy, 50 Cents 



T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO 



LBJa'25 



Denison^s Select Plays 

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By Lindsey Barbee. College comedy in 4 acts; 6 males, 
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WAY DOWN ALONG 

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2 acts; 7 males, 3 females. Time, 2 hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

T. S. Denison & Company^ Publishers 

623 S. Wabash Ave. CHICAGO 



1-1022 



Denison's Acting Plays 

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